I know this is probably a shitposting meme. And my wife and my female friend, when I asked them, both laughed and said, “Yeah all the time.” I can’t tell if it’s sarcasm.
I asked this because Im a guy, and we’ve heard it all before. The guy plowing a warm apple pie. The ookie cookie BS. The jerk off with a sock. Dudes have done some weird things. I absolutely have found myself relieving some stress in interesting ways.
But veggies: Is this a common thing? Am I going to have to worry that my daughter, when she reaches a curious age, starts exploring with vegetables?
During puberty, should I start giving my children Amazon gift cards or no questions ask money to protect my produce?
I am aware this question is ridiculous and I am prepared to be ridiculed.
Is it normal for teenagers discovering sexuality to improvise sex toys? Absolutely. Cucumbers are generally a convenient shape and size. When I was a young male teenager, I used hotel shampoo bottles. (Almost got one stuck inside me, no idea what I would have done.) When the time comes to have that talk, mention sex toys and that if they want to experiment, they should use objects that are meant to be used that way and that you won’t judge them for it. I’d probably also mention that you won’t open packages addressed to them and leave it at that.
Also tell them: In the worst case, when improvising despite your warnings, flared bases are essential!
Any cucumber you handle for 3 hours for any reason is garbage. You wouldn’t put it in a salad because it would be mush. This is a BS post, obviously.
her post may not be real, but is it a real thing?
Fucking yourself with a cucumber? Sure, if that’s all you got, get it, queen. I’d suggest something slightly more substantial, though.
The fuck you mean substantial?
Eggplant, obviously
🍆🍆🍆
Watermelon.
Anything can become a sextoy… if you’re brave enough.
Watermelon would be the worst melon though, drill a hole in a honeydew instead lmao.
Oh … ouch.
TIL there are like no women on lemmy
I mean if i were, i would definitely shut up about it as well.
yeah it’s wild. every time i open
Lemmyany internet application I turn into a guy? it’s very handy when the women’s bathroom line is too longThat’s not very helpful. It’s always the mens bathroom line that’s too long at work. The woman basically gets her own.
we are a tech company. we had several floors in two near but separate buildings. we had as many toilets for woman as we had for men. basically each floor had one for woman and one for men which had a pissoir too. as we had > 90% men, mens toilets always had a waiting line after lunch time (not for the pissoir, however). on one floor the only woman was a trainee who (normal here) often had to go to school for 3weeks in a row, that was when men just used womens toilet as there was no woman to use it on the floor and the other woman on the other floor of that building literally had her very own toilet to share with no one. (rest of all the woman happened to work in the other building)
then the company started to build its own building to leave the rental situation and at the same time to better longterm meet some necessarities that come along with the market niche that the company serves. (there are some laws regulating some physical aspects of the building for our services.)
one if the promises was, that the “toilet situation” would be improved with the new building.
the new building then had larger toilets on each floor. the space was then used to still have one toilet for men, but now there were two pissoirs! and two large sinks just for washing hands. yay! womens bathroom now have 3 toilets on each floor each and also the large sinks too. same amount of toilets for 90% of empleyee, the 10% have now triple number toilets they had before and double the space for washing, using mirror etc.
The woman basically gets her own.
exactly, and when men don’t have enough toilets, women actually gets build more of them to “statistically” solve the problem !! 🤣
It’s fine. Now you can hire another two women and they still get their own. 👍
yes 💪
or maybe thats the hiring strategy to get more woman into tech jobs 😂 … and we have reserved private toilets !! …
yes, that is the transgender agenda, we switch genders each time we open lemmy and use blahaj plushies to stabilize, don’t blow our cover like that in public though jesus christ
Same! It’s quite a useful trick if I ever need to find pants with pockets!
or pee my name in the snow!
Technically the original statement could still be true. We now know there is a woman here but not women. \s
mum says it’s my turn on the female internet slot!
slot
Nice.
Well duh. Lemmy is on the internet, and there are no women on the internet.
We’re around.
Agreed. We’re around, we just like to hide for good reason.
Chances are, if something can be fucked or used as a dildo… somebody somewhere has done it out of horniness.
I still remember about 20 years ago a female friend told me that she masturbated using a bottle of Bawls energy drink (IDK if they even still make the stuff). It was a glass bottle that was bumpy all over (think of the divots on a golf ball, but inverse) and she apparently used it on her clit/vulva.
When I was a horny pre-teen boy and had no idea how to actually beat off, I discovered that rubbing a silk/nylon pillow with pictures of cats on it felt really good.
JD Vance fucked a couch.
Good deflection buddy. You shared, which is the important part. Progress.
The cats, right?
( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
I believe hotel rooms & their contents are specifically designed around this
As a teen I had little to no interest in penetration. Tampons didn’t feel good, so why would I assume something else would? I wasn’t really interested in penetration until I was interested in my partner specifically.
Once I (eventually) figured out pleasurable masturbation, I still stuck with external stuff mostly, and fingers in general. Eventually I got a job and a debit card and could privately online shop, but my little bag of toys continues to go mostly unused. Nothing beats my fingers.
I don’t know about other women, but for me masturbation is and always has been much more about what’s going on in my head, and then adding the pleasurable sensations to that, rather than experimenting with different sensations.
For a beginner I literally cannot imagine a cucumber. How many dicks are as thick as a grocery store cucumber? None I’ve seen in real life. Maybe in porn, but I can’t think of any. It would just hurt. Beginners would need something maybe the size of 2 female fingers. (Maybe a farmers market cucumber that’s skinnier?)
Well she said she used it for 3 hours so I can only imagine it was in fact and edging case.
Okay it’s a pickle at that point.
Well that’s the nastiest thing I’ve read today so far
so far
Veggin’ edgin’ ftw
Hairbrush handles are much more common. I’d say most girls probably haven’t used vegetables.
Most hairbrush handle designs are intentionally… yeah. But plastic is porous and nearly impossible to fully disinfect, so girls who reach puberty should be provided with high quality silicone or glass to protect them from getting a bad infection. Prudeness in our society will just hide issues like infection until it gets really awful.
why is it just assumed that they’ll use an object? hands work fine too, you don’t assume people with penises will inevitably get an infection from sticking it inside a vacuum cleaner…
And like, lesbians exist?? they have lots of fun just with rubbing!
Because they don’t know how to get a woman off acoustically. You make great points. Majority of the time I’ve masturbated, it’s been without a toy
Because they don’t know how to get a woman off acoustically
I think you mean “digitally”. Digital = with your digits (ie. fingers). Acoustically = with sound (?)
Unless you’re talking about ear-tonguing. Which I agree is hot but I think it’d be pretty hard to make a woman cum that way.
No, I mean acoustically because I’m referencing a meme, ya nerd.
Lol, never seen that one. Agree that I am a nerd.
Kinda wild to me that a woman could have this take since as a dude I’m very used to playing acoustic dick. Can’t imagine just deciding I don’t wanna nut anymore because I’d have to do it by hand. I gotta say I kinda envy women since it’s pretty socially acceptable for them to use toys compared to the fellas. It’d be cool if I could just have a fleshlight or sex doll in a drawer somewhere and nobody would think it’s any weirder than a girl having a vibrator in her drawer. They look like they’d feel good and be a fun time. But there’s so much judgement around them.
Acoustically? Like play the guitar so well she gets off no handed? I’m really confused by your word choice.
Counterpoint: teenagers are stupid
There is a female comic who was on “This Isn’t Happening” who told the story of how she tried to masturbate with a brush with a silicone handle whilst not knowing she was allergic to silicone. She ended up in the ER.
Because fingers get tired and, in the case of women, the object can go further inside than her fingers. Depending on setup, she can go hands free, too.
Sticking a dick in a vacuum cleaner is not a proper comparison because most of the dick is protected by skin and even the glans will mostly be fine with the same dirt/contaminants that you can wash off your skin.
Anything that gets inside your body represents a much greater risk of infections. A better comparison would be to a man pretend sucking something or sticking it up his ass.
Please don’t skip biology classes.
well thanks for being condescending, not sure what this has to do with biology class?
yes, fingers get tired, why do you think there’s the joke about guys with one suspiciously muscular arm?
my point is that using your hands is perfectly fine and what you’ll naturally gravitate towards since it’s extremely readily available, it’s strange to me that everyone immediately assumes that women have to use toys to get off, it feels vaguely misogynist somehow, as if girls are incapable of pleasuring themselves…that toys feel better is a non argument since that applies arguably doubly so to guys, who can both shove something up their bum and get a fleshlight, and yet no one’s going around saying guys need toys to get off.
Despite what you may have seen in porn, using your own fingers for penetration is kind of awkward in terms of angle, and has a very different feeling.
I think the implication you’re making about lesbians is that they participate in substantially less penetration?
Being interested in women doesn’t change what feels good in regards to physical gratification.
Solution: simply cover your most phallic groceries with condoms, then dispose the condoms before eating.
Yeah that lube in the condoms 👌 chef’s kiss
That’s why I buy the flavored ones. The strawberry-flavored side salad is absolutely yums!
Condoments
English cucumbers come with their own condom, but it usually has rough seams :(
It’s called ribbed.
For her pleasure
It’s a shitposting meme. The poster has this pinned on their twitter:
That said… I have heard horror stories about poor theater staff finding cucumbers after the 50 shades premiere. Some of it was just people memeing and trying to prank but I’m not entirely sure about all of it.
4chan greentext, but signing with your name? Brave.
You better make sure your son doesn’t have access to coconuts
Too soon.
Or shoeboxes
or anything with a cavity inside
Or just anything
Definitely hide any cylinders tho
or coconuts
Just don’t have him near african and european swallows and you’re good.
I thought this was long gone with the annuals of time.
this was only 2 years ago, right? like maybe last summer or the one before
Or a melon baller.
Or glass jars
Am I going to have to worry that my daughter, when she reaches a curious age, starts exploring with vegetables?
No. Worrying doesn’t help anyone. Just relax.
Next thing you’re going to tell us is that we SHOULDN’T become absolutely obsessed with the personal habits and sex lives of other people whom I will never meet nor be involved with in any way! Preposterous!
the way I look at it, you’re wasting your resources And making unnecessary enemies if you interfere with the sex live of other people.
Take their ‘joke’ seriously and buy them each their own vibrator/dildo combo. Be really serious about the whole thing; explain what they are, what they’re for, everything.
This way, if they weren’t joking, your veggies are safe. If they were joking, you have just completely topped their joke with your own.
Rabbits suck. Get a cordless magic wand (silicone head) or a we-vibe touch. If she wants a dildo get it separate (also silicone, I’m a bad dragon enthusiast but you can get great silicone dildos elsewhere)
Dad buying their underage daughter a dildo sounds like a good way to get canceled. Or worse.
I don’t think it’s a bad idea per-se but I can imagine a ton of ways how that could backfire.
OP was talking about his wife and her friend.
Dad buying their underage wife and her friend a dildo sounds like a good way to get canceled. Or worse.
I don’t think it’s a bad idea per-se but I can imagine a ton of ways how that could backfire.
Times are tough for underage dads in this cancel culture
And not to mention tough for their UNDERAGE CHILDREN!!!
/s
Dad buying their underage wife and her friend sounds like a good way to get canceled. Or worse.
I don’t think it’s a bad idea per-se but I can imagine a ton of ways how that could backfire.
I really dont need any more reasons to lick every dildo I find, but I’ll roll with it.
No joke, my mother used one when my dad was was away on work. I know because she forgot about it and my sister had the bright idea to go snooping around in her drawers one day.
I would hope that in our modern age with more access to privately get sex toys (thanks to the internet) that most people would not resort to using vegetables. However, is someone saw buying sex toys as somehow “wrong” then they might.
That kid just learned a valuable lesson about washing things off when you’re done using them. Especially food. Fucking gross lol
Maybe just throw the cucumber out if you use it that way
That is a perfectly good cucumber! Just picked the mother fucker. The salt and vinegar will sanitize it… And now you’ve got pickles!
No this is not normal… it’s not sanitary for one and nobody wants yeast infections. It also doesn’t really have a suitable structure for that, and the outside rind… I mean I cannot imagine that feels nice. It’s a meme more than anything like I know people are out there with food fetish and it definitely has been done by someone before but no this is very uncommon lol.
you put a condom on it to solve most of that
Or just like buy a toy meant for that
But a cucumber is multifunctional!
If you’re a teenager experimenting and you feel you have to hide it from your parents, getting an actual sex toy can be difficult. Tbh, when I was in that position it didn’t even cross my mind
In this economy?
