I know this is probably a shitposting meme. And my wife and my female friend, when I asked them, both laughed and said, “Yeah all the time.” I can’t tell if it’s sarcasm.
I asked this because Im a guy, and we’ve heard it all before. The guy plowing a warm apple pie. The ookie cookie BS. The jerk off with a sock. Dudes have done some weird things. I absolutely have found myself relieving some stress in interesting ways.
But veggies: Is this a common thing? Am I going to have to worry that my daughter, when she reaches a curious age, starts exploring with vegetables?
During puberty, should I start giving my children Amazon gift cards or no questions ask money to protect my produce?
I am aware this question is ridiculous and I am prepared to be ridiculed.
Yo, I have to take a moment and shake you because I thought you were a cool tech dyke judging by your goofy ass name. But all things aside talk with your seemingly two partners? Or like, partner and actual friend? But also like, idk what open lines of communicaiton you have with kids or what even kids will listen to - or who (cause I think maybe it could also be a who thing in this situation) - you can still attempt to give them a talk. And I think most kids run around with cards from their parents nowadays from how I’ve seen it. Like, if you’ve got a phone you’ve probably got a card. But this is all just some assumptions.
But all tweets (this is a tweet right?) are fake af and people just trying to be shocking and cute and like maybe down the line they can use their audience to do different monetary things. I mean like most the shit on Reddit was fake, so I can’t imagine most the stuff on TwituhX is real either. So unless you having a late night rib just like - talk with your kids. About the stuff they should hear at the ages you think they should hear them. Or get your wife to do what you’ve got to do. And if you’ve got two partners you’re probably open af and can legit find a way to broach the subject. I believe in you! Or bribe one of their older cousins with cash to talk with them. Cause legit, if my one cousin told me anything about sex I would hands down believe them. Just figure out which cousin they admire and BLAM, you’ve got an in.
Gl, you got this. Try not to rot your brains too much on bullshit, cause it’s okay in moderation but I think I’ve read it can be bad for your health =P!
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Someone on Reddit I think told the writer David Sedaris how he used to shove frozen hot dogs up his ass.
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As a man with an egg allergy, Itchy…
Socks seem normal.
I draw line at food. That guy with the melon was on another level.
Not even the sock is normal imo. Why would you want a crusty sock??
Ya throw it in with your laundry afterward. I wouldn’t do it these days, but when I still lived with a parent and didn’t want to raise suspicions with a bunch of extra towels? Sock works just fine. Though I’ve never heard of someone actually masturbating with a sock, just for cleanup.
I always just used paper towels or napkins. Not even for cleanup just have a couple on hand and then grab em when you finish.
Better than jagged carpet at your bedside.
I always thought the sock thing was very strange. Have folks not heard of toilet paper?
You have misunderstood “ookie cookie.”
Aka “Soggy Biscuit,” and “Scum Cookie” if you like the band Skinless lmao.
Also tbf I’m like 90% sure it’s a myth or reserved for old frat hazing rituals.
Limp Bizkit you say?
When you have the talk, make sure they know that the two rules to follow like gospel are to always use protection, and to never use something that doesn’t have a flared base.
Probably save any further interventions for if you discover that one of those gift cards was used by a horse loving kid to get a flared base and head.
🍿
I’m just thinking of the little pokey things (spines?) on the cucumbers. Ouch.
How dose cucumbers look where you live? Mostly the ones bought from the store.
Kinda like this. (Random internet image.)
The bumpy things are sharp.
Intresting, I have never seen a cucumber look like that. Closest are some types frown in home gardens but not even those have been that bumpy.
Here they look kind like this
So completely smooth and with around the same circumference as the bigger part of most carrots.
Looks kinda plasticky compared to the cucumbers I am familiar with. Also looks like it is missing the seeds! Interesting. Thanks for sharing with me!
yeah this is weird to me too, all the cucumbers i’ve seen are very smooth…
Not on the plant, the little spines have already been broken off before they get put on a store shelf.
Wait until you find out what Dragonfruit grows on.
Spoiler: cactus. And you can grow the seeds for your very own houseplant.
Ribbed, for her pleasure.
~cats
Barbed, for everyone’s horror.
As the only female on Lemmy I’m here to say maybe. Possibly anything could be used for penetration. I have personally never used a vegetable. A cucumber could be too large and intimidating for a young girl so hair brush handles are top tier.
I mean not all cucumbers are that huge. You could get a smaller cariant or just a smaller specimen. I do see your point though.
Yea that’s why I said “could”.
Is standard procedure to rawdog the vegetable or are a combination of lube and/or condoms used?
Asking for a friend.
Lmao I remember I used a toy microphone. 100% raw dogged 🤦♀️
If your only option is a cucumber then it’s 100% raw dogged because you don’t have access to anything else.
I’ve used cling wrap. Keeps both the cucumber and my bits clean.
Now the big question. Was that particular cucumber eaten or discarded?
I used it to make Asian cucumber salad.
Curious. Now I’m feeling hungry.
As the other female on Lemmy, I would be worried that a piece of cucumber would snap off mid wank and I’d be left trying to pick seeds out of my cooter. I have never done anything like this.
A cucumber could be too large
Thank you.
Sincerely,
Average men everywhere
It is not the size, it’s your ability to give me an orgasm I care about. Sincerely, a woman.
Seriously. I’m not a woman so my experience is from the other side of things, but if there is anything I’m glad I’ve learned in the bedroom it’s that you have to find out what she likes and not just assume. Not all women like being pounded like crazy and at the same time not all women like having their clit focused on. You need to find the sweet spot(s) and also learn how to use them, so to speak.
Absolutely. And a lot of women never learn to have G spot orgasms so it’s a learning curve for them too. But having them vs clitoral orgasms is like the difference between learning Spanish and learning Italian.
What is the difference between learning Spanish or Italian?!
I will concur that I’ve never used a vegetable or fruit either. Just seems dirty. Toothbrush or other plastic toy were my first go tos, (plus bath water) but really, can’t emphasize this enough, a lot of girls don’t need penetration to get off. Just clitoral stimulation.
After talking to a few honest (or tipsy) women about their early sexual discovery I know the high likely hood of that Micky Mouse electric toothbrush getting absolutely violated.
Mine was like this long cylindrical toy that was basically a weeble wobble. And a kooshball at the end of a pen (for clitoral stimulation).
https://offerup.com/item/detail/577a38e0-dd43-30c9-b992-38d3645a9362
The koosh ball slapped, didn’t look exactly like the above. It was really really good. I’ve never been able to find something to replace it with and I’ve been looking for years.
lol, for boys it was definitely the “water snake”
Absolutely insane how creative a hard-up young’un can get.
Hope she washed it off well before putting it back in the fridge. So I doubt the post is real. As for the rest I’ll have to leave it to women to answer - but if you ever find your cucumber on the garbage, just leave it there.
Understood and thank you for your wisdom.
Do most people take food back out from the trash?
Absolutely. https://youtu.be/qJh5u1tdC4Q?si=jIbva7uT2_tN328S
Yeah, to give it to the rabbits. Don’t waste food
Ohhhhhh, I didn’t think about that. I considered that the same as “discarded.” But now I feel bad how nonchalantly I was thinking like, “throw the cucumber of joy into the compost or let nature consume it”
I have a dog who doesn’t like most fruits or any vegetables. I’ve forgotten how easy it is to just give produce to pets such as bunnies or the
.
Only if you are George Costanza.
The eclair was more or less floating on top of the garbage. It wasn’t IN the garbage.
Take their ‘joke’ seriously and buy them each their own vibrator/dildo combo. Be really serious about the whole thing; explain what they are, what they’re for, everything.
This way, if they weren’t joking, your veggies are safe. If they were joking, you have just completely topped their joke with your own.
Rabbits suck. Get a cordless magic wand (silicone head) or a we-vibe touch. If she wants a dildo get it separate (also silicone, I’m a bad dragon enthusiast but you can get great silicone dildos elsewhere)
Dad buying their underage daughter a dildo sounds like a good way to get canceled. Or worse.
I don’t think it’s a bad idea per-se but I can imagine a ton of ways how that could backfire.
OP was talking about his wife and her friend.
Dad buying their underage wife and her friend a dildo sounds like a good way to get canceled. Or worse.
I don’t think it’s a bad idea per-se but I can imagine a ton of ways how that could backfire.
Times are tough for underage dads in this cancel culture
And not to mention tough for their UNDERAGE CHILDREN!!!
/s
Dad buying their underage wife and her friend sounds like a good way to get canceled. Or worse.
I don’t think it’s a bad idea per-se but I can imagine a ton of ways how that could backfire.
I really dont need any more reasons to lick every dildo I find, but I’ll roll with it.
As a teen I had little to no interest in penetration. Tampons didn’t feel good, so why would I assume something else would? I wasn’t really interested in penetration until I was interested in my partner specifically.
Once I (eventually) figured out pleasurable masturbation, I still stuck with external stuff mostly, and fingers in general. Eventually I got a job and a debit card and could privately online shop, but my little bag of toys continues to go mostly unused. Nothing beats my fingers.
I don’t know about other women, but for me masturbation is and always has been much more about what’s going on in my head, and then adding the pleasurable sensations to that, rather than experimenting with different sensations.
For a beginner I literally cannot imagine a cucumber. How many dicks are as thick as a grocery store cucumber? None I’ve seen in real life. Maybe in porn, but I can’t think of any. It would just hurt. Beginners would need something maybe the size of 2 female fingers. (Maybe a farmers market cucumber that’s skinnier?)
Vibrators are much better than they used to be - quiet, rechargeable, and durable. I think your veggies are safe. If you’re worried about it, only buy non phallus-shaped veg for awhile and see if anyone comments. I think (hope) those food sex things are just jokes, but i will not use a hotel room glass, coffee maker, or refillable shampoo.
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What would you do if someone did comment on it?
“Hey mom/dad, could you get some cucumbers next groceries trip. My face is so dry lately and in dire need of a moisturizing mask”
Immediately think of the post and panick.
wait, why spinach? (text-only answer, please)
I like where your mind go, but it’s not that. Spinach is just a cover up, a distraction. You can’t make a salad with just cucumbers, right?
“Hey mom/dad, could you get some cucumbers next groceries trip. My face is so dry lately and in dire need of a moisturizing mask”
“Sorry honey we are restricting you to only non phallic veggies for your own safety” why do I feel like super Christian households would actually say this.
They probably actually have. It makes me shudder to even think about that.
female
I hope that putting them back used is an edge case. Compost after use.
Most teens don’t want to put anything up there because it hurts, even tampons hurt as a virgin especially with 0 lube. I never liked regular dildos, most women do not orgasm through penetration. So I would say they are messing with you. I’ve had guys ask me if I ever experimented with pencils or rulers because if they were a girl they would do it. No, wtf only guys think women are like this.
Girls experiment.
I’m not going to down vote you lol, I haven’t down voted anyone in this thread. There is no wrong answer or response. I do feel bad for her though, pencils are sharp even when unsharpened, I can’t imagine that felt good. Did she wrap it in a condom? How old was she?
I’ve seen a girl use a syring (without the needle) and put a ziplock bag over it and fuck herself on cam with me. College teens are horny and creative lol
We’re all horny and creative - seen one use a deodorant can… in the front of the car… while I was driving…and stuck in traffic.
Those of us who don’t live with parents just don’t need to get creative - just buy what you want, or want to try, or your partner wants to try. Three drawers committed to turning her into a sexy puddle.
Wow, you’re quite a connoisseur
Getting there myself. My girl deserves every piece of joy she can get, and I do too (hehe)
I wouldn’t say connoisseur - it’s like they select fine wine and appropriate pairings after careful consideration. We’re more like “24 pack and a goon bag” and see where we end up. Never stop trying new things and exploring with someone you trust.
That’s pretty cool!
Yeah we have one such set that includes just about everything to spice things up. Not necessarily best grade stuff, but a nice starting point to figure out good directions!
Found the Australian? Or is it the states that use goon bag? I thought it was space bag in the states.
Kiwi, but we use similar lingo.
Yo, this is a real actual human person right here.
Men would be asking me the most heinous of shit and I literally had nothing to do with them. Like, what? I think things are better now, cause I’m older. But hot damn, the shit I was being asked if I reversed it I’d be like asking if when they are fucking a girl do they make sure to jizz on their face or some shit. Like wtf who the fuck asks this just sitting around talking to someone they just met or are (platonically, in a group) having some chow with!?
Some people talk about sex freely. In college everyone in my friend group knew who all fucked who. My ex girlfriend made a drawing connecting everyone with lines. It was pretty damn funny.
Oh for sure, I am stanky pirate but like - there’s like talking about sex freely and being a homophobic dickweed. And growing up I got so many micro-aggresive bullshit homophobic shit-shit questions. But I am pretty different than some folks (personally) in which I don’t fuck friends. Cause a lot of them are found family for me and they act as sisters, brothers, and the likes. And I ain’t about that life. But I am friends with some of my exes. But it’s not on that level. Like, I wish them well and am happy they’re doing okay in their lives. Having a solid talk every now and then is cool. But I always figured exes are exes for a reason, and I’m not terribly close with any of them. Although, like I said I mean really - all the best to them as a whole.
My gal fucks her friends. She’s like totally different than me. So I know different strokes for different folks. And it’s not to say I didn’t “get it in” or wasn’t a raunchy pirate hooker. I just draw the boundary within my own existence and honestly I am pretty happy overall with the folks I have gotten the sweetness to carry with me thus far in life. And I hope that someday if/when I am old I still have at least some of them around.
I can’t even remember what the person said up there. And the post so and such isn’t showing it. But I think what I was seeing if I remember correctly was someone stating that it’s not all about penetration (although it can be, and have at if that’s your jam), it’s not all about fucking (although yet again - if that’s your priority - have at), but that there are some real sexual issues that hit folks with the female sex that could supersede the issue.
I also think you know probably a majority of people who responded were more than likely guys, and I saw this person - as someone who had to at least be female-sexed. I mean I don’t know their life. But it sounds like that’s whatsup. But it is an assumption, so like - at the end of the day I think I put person.
And I don’t know your life, although I’m gunna assume you like The Pixies (=P) but lots of dudes over my lifetime and been putting their dick-brains (as in talking with their dicks) and harassing the fuck out of me whether I knew them or not all over the joint. The other stuff is straight homophobic, but I will say in general that most people who are female presenting in some way are gunna be harassed and that’s what I am talking about.
My two sibbies stole butt-plugs from me at one point in my life. Do not like that. Found out much later. Had they come to me, I would have grabbed them anything they want. I was, and still am hella sex-positive. Only difference is that I am now in a long-term dedicated monogamous relationships and I have health issues that have overall affected my life in general so it’s not like sex is my tippy-top “chase the cat” prerogative. More so I just want to stay as physically healthy as I can, so that I can have the best quality of life I can. So like, still get down. Do my thing. Have a great gay life. But I am older (not like so damn old, but def people aren’t out here just crossing my boundaries like they are getting paid to) so I think that the guys are more chill, I live in a completely different area that anything else I’ve ever lived in before (which is less openly social as a whole so I don’t think most guys are out here just cat-calling people anyways), and I feel pretty ambivalent on the whole sex scene outside of my bedroom because I don’t have any skin in the game.
If any of that makes sense. Idk. But either way, it’s all about whatever floats your boat. You know? But it’s pretty funny though as a whole you saying what you’re saying because I might be the least censored individual I have ever been around. Cause I am a real fuck-face. But it is what it is.
p.s. - I don’t give a fuck what guys be doing, let alone heterosexuals as a whole with their sexual stuff. I’m happy if you’re happy. But I literally never could give an actual fuck. Which might sound hetero-phobic - but by that I mean do you. Do I care? Nah. And I would love, love, love if people came at me with that energy instead of asking me stupid ass shit. That basically invalidated my sexual experiences.
Uhh. Hi, woman here…RIP my inbox but I think it’s important parents talk to teenagers of all genders about this and consider having them look for toys they can experiment with if they express interest. Just because we don’t orgasm from penetration doesn’t mean it feels bad lol. Better they have toys available so they’re less likely to use something inappropriate.
I agree parents should talk with their kids, I never meant to allude to that. But I disagree that penetration doesn’t feel bad, for me it feels painful without lube and with lube it feels not painful but never enjoyable. Vibrators are the only thing that feels good, that much is universal among the women I’ve talked to.
Well, not that I think it has to be your experience by any means, that’s part of the beauty of life - we’re all a bit different and into different things. I do quite enjoy penetration without need for lube (I mean, I do need to have natural lube, obviously). I usually get myself there with just hands and might use a dildo when I’m worked up enough. Vibrators are great, no doubt. I don’t typically use toys, though, honestly. I did more in my teens when I was ignorant to how my body worked lol. Which is why I wrote the OG comment…I didn’t have appropriate toys, and it caused some shame on occasion. I knew it felt good but didn’t feel safe talking to my parents about it.
Understandable. I was never into penetration and thought I was weird but after talking to more women and then reading Come As You Are, it clicked that I was actually normal and in the majority (80% are like me). Not that being in the minority is weird, if you read the book you’ll find that is actually normal too. I hate masturbation or sex without a vibrator lol. I never felt safe talking to my parents either, they were super religious and invaded my privacy regularly. I was an adult before getting toys, and everything sex related sucked before them.
My understanding is 80% of people with a uterus don’t climax from penetration, not that we find it necessarily unenjoyable (which is true for me, too; I do need clitoral stimulation to climax). I’ve taken courses on women’s studies, feminist philosophy, etc. to overcome the problematic religious attitudes my parents had, too - and lots of therapy! I’ll see if my library has that book available, though. I’m always interested in learning more.
I’m really sorry you had that experience growing up, though, that’s awful. As normal as our experiences felt to us having privacy invaded and all the shame, that much shouldn’t be normalized! I’m glad you’ve found what works for you, and I wish you all the most pleasurable experiences around it throughout the rest of your life 💝
It feels like nothing but rubbing for me? Idk. But I definitely recommend the book. I’m not saying those 80% hate penetration, but it isn’t a big part. I know when I talked to my gyno about painful sex, she said use plenty of lube and orgasm before penetration. Very good advice in case anyone needs it.
I’m glad you found relief from the religious oppression. We need less shaming and better sex ed for everyone. Thanks for your wishes, I wish you the same!
Oh gotcha, I totally agree it’s not a big part at all! Honestly, I didn’t experience an orgasm until well after I became sexually active, and very rarely with a partner since. It’s extremely important to me as I’m back “on the market” now and have really struggled in past relationships with it. I enjoy the whole aspect to it, exploring whole bodies, but I would very much like to find a relationship where my partner prioritizes helping me climax and has some patience with me on it.
By chance, did you talk with your gyno about vaginismus? Not sure if I’m spelling that right, but I’ve had a few friends mention that it’s painful, one friend saying she couldn’t wear tampons or anything. I could see why orgasming first would help the muscles to relax
That bit about tampons isn’t true at all, and has nothing to do with virginity. Nothing fundamentally changed about your body when you had sex. You were just using tampons badly.
My ex was an operating room nurse. She had a few choice stories.
Dude came in with an English cucumber stuffed so far up there they needed to knock him out to remove it. It’s all slithery and soft. It was literally baked.
My ex used to love cucumber. Chow down on them all the time. Not after that.
As far as I know, most women don’t do this, but of course, if something exists, there’s also someone who fucks or wants to fuck it.
Is this rule 34.5 or something?
