Famous last words
As a recent divorcee: fuck this hurts.
Yeah, man. This isn’t what most marriages are and later on in life we realize this. People have this false idea marriage is some happy co-op mode and it’s mostly shit.
I was head-over-heels in love with my best friend when I was in my late teens/early 20’s. We had a short-lived romance. Turned out he was quietly suffering through severe depression and killed himself; it destroyed me for a long time.
However, I made a new best friend. We trauma bonded a bit, as he also went through a deep loss. We’ve been together for 10 years, 4 of them married. I love him to death. He’s my ride or die.
There are so many things couples put blinders on, but it’s important to always communicate. I’ve learned that though it’s really hard to express some of your deepest insecurities and feelings, it’s better to discuss the things that you’re struggling with, because a good partner isn’t perfect, yet they will love you, listen to your problems, accept your faults, and help you work on building a life together. Some days you’ll carry the heavier load, other days your partner will.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that a happy marriage takes effort from both partners, and even the most perfect couple has work to do. It’s important to be open about what’s important to you, especially if that changes over time. Everyone hits bumps in the road.
I can’t recommend therapy enough. For any reason. Life is worth living. It gets easier, and with the right support you can heal and grow.
It’s too expensive.
Do you mean therapy, a relationship, or both?
Therapy, unfortunately. Although relationships can be a little expensive, can’t they.
Indeed. Everything has an opportunity cost.
Reminder that you don’t need to be married to have this.
The person who wrote this has not met many married people. I don’t think they ever had a best friend either.
As someone who is 15 years into the situation OP described - yes it’s somewhat of an oversimplication of how it all works… but broadstokewise it’s on the money with the right partner and mindset. Whether your marriage works this way or not comes down to how fungible you both believe your partner to ultimately be and how much you dedicate to being each other’s joy.
Thinking being pessimistic in the face of romance is just “reality” means your chances of experiencing that kind of romance become mighty slim. Optimism and trust are nessisary components to making it happen but are sadly also attractive to abusers. End of the day I wish OP the very best of luck because coming home to your partner excited to see them every day for years on end really is worth the attempt.
The best part is you don’t even have to be married to have this
I have been married for 24 years and it’s been a mostly happy marriage. I also do consider my wife to be my best friend. But it’s silly to think that you will come home every day and be happy about dealing with another human, no matter who they are. Sometimes I will come home or my wife will come home and I won’t want to be around her because I won’t want to be around anyone. That’s just how life is. My wife is cool with it and I’m cool with when she wants the same.
Alone time is an important resource, especially when kids.
Absolutely.
After being a few months away from being married and seeing it all fall apart I’ve realized that I don’t ever want to be married.
Doesn’t mean I don’t want a long term relationship but I don’t want to tie the knot and tangle up my life like that ever again. If we had gotten married then divorced my ex would have ruined me. I was too soft at that time and I would have let her use me as a doormat on the way out. I know better now but I still don’t want to deal with those complications.
My [second] wife is the coolest person ever and my best friend. I wouldn’t want to be with anyone else. She came into my life when I wasn’t even looking.
My first wife was a horrible person who convinced me that I was better off being single. I was perfectly content with that. It is much better to be alone than to be with someone who fills your life with misery.
If you’re reading the OP and feeling sad about your own circumstances, I totally get it because I’ve been there. Bad relationships or the breakdown of a relationship are really hard. You can get through it. Remember to take care of yourself. Prioritize spending time on things that bring you joy. Find someone to talk to, even if it’s just some random guy on the Internet. And know that it absolutely can get better.
This is bog standard dumb stuff young people say. I’ve heard this same sentiment come out of idealistic kids for decades. How this is anything other than ignored is beyond me.
Awww poor you.
How to admit you’re in an unhappy marriage without saying you’re in an unhappy marriage, much?
I happen to think I lead something of a charmed existence with my wife and daughter lol. Took a lot of work and growth from both of us in our previous failed relationships. Our paths changed us into the people who would meet and marry well into our 30s. There was a lot of pain in that growth, both outgoing and taken. A lot of good to learn from too. We both started our relationship journey with shit like this meme in our heads. We both ended up where it looks like the cartoon princess simplicity it is.
Feel free to assume the worst about me though. Its fun
womp womp
To those who feel saddened by this, always remember that you can be your own best friend. Treat yourself.
I’m living that life and we’re not even married yet. 5 years since this June. Never been happier :)
My partner and I are on year 8? I think? Neither of us care about anniversaries or any of that stuff, so we lose track often.
We just fit. We rarely disagree, and when we disagree, we’re civil about it. There’s no yelling and screaming about who is right.
It’s genuinely co-op mode, and we pair up to get stuff done regularly, but when no co-op is required, we just keep living our lives, together.
So I put a ring on it. Planning to sign the papers next year to make it official.
Congratulations! It’s very much the same for us here. We do get into occasional arguments but it’s usually either very minute and unimportant things or it’s just a misunderstanding that get solved easily.
Our anniversary this year was also very low-key - I think we didn’t even gift each other anything (super noteworthy) . We used to go crazy in our first few years but we just appreciate and value our time together
I’ve long said that how you handle arguments will make or break a relationship (whether romantic or not).
The fact is, if either person gets too emotionally invested in a viewpoint, and they won’t let go of that emotion, then it’s doomed to failure. If that happens regularly or all the time, it will easily condemn the relationship.
Respecting other people viewpoint, acknowledging their viewpoint, and most importantly, exercising active listening even to things you don’t agree with, is paramount, and the foundation on which you can build a functional compromise that satisfies everyone involved.
Compromise is an important part of it, but the key factor is how you handle the difficulties. If you’re bad at brainstorming and problem solving, then arguments and breakups will happen. Most people want to be heard, so active listening, especially for someone you care deeply about, is a major part of the equation.
Very good points. Don’t have anything to add :)
Have a great day and an excellent life!
:)
Cheers mate. All the best to you t(w)oo :)
Going on 11 years here. Though we sometimes disagree, but that is rare to the bliss we find in one another. And yes she is my best friend and lover.
Can’t wait for these comments to be depressing
They’re not wrong, but you’re not either. Nothing is perfect all the time and the OP statement really leaves a lot out. Been married for 20 years. Would do it all again. That’s what matters.
Grew up assuming this would never happen so I never tried, and now I prolly won’t ever try
Enjoy it for me, friends. I’m just an NPC.
