I got divorced like 5 months ago after a 9 years with this girl who cheated on me, emotionally abused me, etc etc
I’ve been suicidal since the split, getting worse by the day still, and literally nobody ever asked if I was OK, aside from my mom. Even when I begged close friends for support they basically just ghosted me. My ex is surrounded by support, from the same people who I thought were my best friends.
Do I just have shitty people around me or is this just what guys deal with? The attitude towards me is just “get over it”. I’ve lost almost everyone I’m close to because of this and I’m starting to think there might actually be one viable option of getting over it because existing is simply torture. All of 2025 felt like just a bad dream but it’s unfortunately real.
Edit: Yes I have a counselor - a very good one I see weekly.
Bro. We’re men. No one cares about us or our feelings. When you come to grips with that. You can explore more self healing directions to go. No one wants to hear about our problems. Also. Your friends are not friends. Find new people if you can.
Trust me. After my ex cheated on me and left me. I felt like death for years.
BUT! It definitely will get better one morning. Just keep your chin up. Brush off the anxiety and go out and see the world.
I was in a similar situation about 8 years ago. Married my dream girl, she seemed perfect for those years of flirting and dating. Didn’t really notice that she’d slowly separated me from my support network. After we got married it was like a switch was flipped, I was always on the defensive, everything I did was wrong, I was always the bad guy. Woke up one day feeling like it’d be better if I just wasn’t around anymore. Stewed in my misery for months before realizing one evening that there was a source of my misery. Spent another couple of months feeling too embarrassed to do anything. Then one day she was giving me shit over some nonsense and I just blurted it out. It wasn’t easy, but things slowly got back on track. I focused on myself and what was in my control, got back in shape, found time for hobbies I’d left behind, brought myself the joy that was missing. Now I’m happily married to an amazing woman who’s provided me with an equally amazing child and it’s hard for me to even remember the anguish I was going through.
Obviously our situations aren’t the same, but I just wanted to share and let you know that things get better. Some friends will filter back in, some won’t. Any mutual friends I had with my ex are just gone, she made sure to put barriers between us with shit talking and lies; fuck them too, they weren’t true friends.
Thank you for the words man
Same here. My ex husband told everyone that I cheated on him. I mean, considering the fact that nobody ever asked for my side of the story, I suppose they weren’t really friends anyway.
I told everyone she cheated on me too which backfired amazingly lol
She told everyone I requested an open relationship so it didn’t count
Master manipulator
I mean, basically you failed to cultivate deep and meaningful relationships with other people is the problem. Did you ever open up to your friends about anything before your break up? Did they ever open up to you, or come to you with their problems? Did you have friends who were “your friends” who you often hung out with while she didn’t?
I’m a guy. I have male friends. I would support them in an instant if they were going through a breakup. I would expect my male friends (and my female friends) to do the same. Is this rare or weird? I dunno. I’m just me. I don’t have experience living anyone else’s life. But I’d recommend finding some friends who can form a support network for you whether or not it is “normal”. If it’s normal, be normal. If it isn’t, fuck being normal. Go be weird.
That’s messed up. I can’t stand people who lie, I’m mad for you
Well at one point i did suggest an open relationship but she didn’t agree to it haha
…the plot thickens lol
Yeah it doesn’t really matter now though haha
We learn from our mistakes don’t we? Hows it go, it’s only truly a mistake if we don’t learn from it.
It’s still your liberation day, and I still wish you the best in finding what you need in life. Love a good fresh start, be kind to yourself out there, stay genuine to your heart.
hey man, I’m so sorry this is happening to you.
some people in here are taking the view that society is less kind to men than to women. everyone’s entitled to their opinion, I guess.
I wanted you tell you though that I share your experience to some extent; I went through a breakup maybe 6 years ago and I lost almost all of my closest friends in that breakup. I’m not even on bad terms with my ex, lol. but it did just shake out that way. I’ve needed to build new roots, and I’ve had to do some introspection and learn how to go about building roots (partly since I’d moved to a new place).
hang in there. I don’t really want to say “let yourself move on” because your story is part of who you are, and right now that breakup and that rift with those friends is such an immediate and intense part of your story, but I promise it will become much less immediate and less intense with time.
Thank you!
Shitty friends.
Because we are the problem. Never them. It takes a decade of shitty treatment to be seen as the problem. Everyone expects you to keep on keeping on and quit complaining.
I only say this as being divorced for a decade now. My son lives with me since her Insanity is apparent to him. I get sympathy from my family now, but in the beginning I was on my own.
Do I just have shitty people around me or is this just what guys deal with?
Those “two” possibilities might actually just be the same thing. This is what guys deal with BECAUSE people are shitty.
People generally don’t go around looking to help others. People look for ways to make themselves feel better. People with a mantra of helping others may or may not be doing so, but they continue because it is helping them fill a hole in themselves.
I’ve never divorced, but I have had breakups, and I got over them by embracing the hobbies I had before (in my case, programming). That might not be a lot but it’s a start.
I increasingly believe that everything everyone does is for a reward of some kind. Even if it’s only feeling good about yourself, or belief in some imaginary after-life reward. If being good is being selfless, no one is truly good.
Because women get support for things like this while men don’t. Because equality = modern rights + old world preferential treatment.
Every time I read about male loneliness, see it in my life in other men, I can only relate, as a woman.
I left a DV situation myself, and found no support anywhere. I ended up starting over in a town bout two hours away from where I knew, and it was literally just me and a baby for four years. Some weeks the only conversations I had with another adult were at work, ir standing at a cash register buying something. I had made one friend, but then she had to go and die. I just had no one to rely on or vent to.
One of the hardest times of my life. In '16 I remember messaging my brother, who at this point I honestly think just lost respect for me for being in a DV relationship, so he didn’t talk to me much, we had once been close. I remember asking him to come over one weekend, I had a grill and some food and beers, offered him money for gas as he lived an hour away. He told me weekends were girlfriend time (7 year relationship). So I explained I was really low, and no one I knew in my life had known me more than a year, I just would really like to laugh with somone who actually knows me, like my brother, and be like we used to and have a fun night.
He told me bluntly, he does not feel pity for people and he couldn’t make it. So cold. I cried like you would when a close family member dies.
I’m watched my husband win the battle with his alcohol addiction. He had a low tolerance socializing before, it’s only gotten worse with sobriety. He’s picking up a hobby now, and after four years sober, maybe not making friends, but sharing a hobby with other dudes. I encourage him as much as I can to continue this.
I’ve met many men who keep social, but I’ve also seen many recluse themselves as they age, and it’s nothing new.
I’m a woman, and I have felt gut wrenching loneliness for so many years of my life. My 30th birthday I tried to work overtime, but ended up leaving, going home to an empty house. When you can only spend $15 on frivious things, I chose vodka, cried myself dry on the bathroom floor, alone, for my birthday. No one messaged me. The guy I was dating didnt even know it was my birthday. I’ve had so many friends pass away too young, and yeah, I protect myself from hurt by not putting myself out there. Im greatful for my husband and son. Loneliness may appear in different ways in different genders, And the media may take that to the extremes. But loneliness is a human thing, it is not gendered
Im sorry OP isnt getting support, I for sure know that sucks. But at least you know whats real and whats not now. Fresh starts are liberating. This is your liberation, and a chance to remake your life in the way you want. I wish OP health and happiness
That reads very incel-ish…
Yes, we don’t have true equality yet, and your analysis seems correct at first glance. However, women still have it worse, believe me. A lot of medical research focuses on men and ignores women, they still don’t get taken seriously in many fields of work, they still are the main victims of sexual assault, etc. All negative things applying to men that I can think of are things we are doing to ourselves. Like the ideal msculine image pushed in media is entirely due to men. No woman ever designed a stoic superhero with pure muscle and a sixpack.
Your assessment isn’t incorrect, it just ignores why things are the way they are.
That being said, the situation sucks for OP and they deserve better friends.
Go try telling people about your experience with being an SA victim. My experience is basically a bunch of people telling me about how women have it worse or even accusations of lying. Your counter argument is focused on the past or around conservatives. Liberals should know better.
I’m not trying to dismiss any experiences. All I’m saying is us men can’t blame women for being in our current situation. If I misread what you were getting at, I’m sorry.
Well when that most of that comes from women. I just want to stop having to pretend that women are entirely innocent and men are the sole cause of alm the problems
It really depends on what exactly you mean by “the cause of all the problems”.
If you’re talking about your personal problems, like having your experiences dismissed and social expectations of stoicism etc., women are absolutely also part of the problem.
What I’m trying to say is that those women didn’t become like that because they chose so consciously. Their behavior is the result of the very same social norms you are struggling with, which have largely been created by men for men.
So they get a free pass.
Because Men aren’t allowed to feel any emotion, and it’s always our fault no matter what. Like how any type of masculinity is toxic and chivalry is considered rude or borderline SA.
And it’s only getting worse.
Honestly, I think you got to kill yourself on the inside or be a republican. And its better to die then be a republican. I keep being told the left cares about my feelings, but they only care about the ones they want me to have and not the ones I do have.
Reps and Dems are so far gone that neither care about each other. I was a conservative when I was in the Army, but watching the left and the right battle each other recently, I’ve been slipping towards the moderate side.
Just don’t want to affiliate with either and just live in the middle of nowhere.I know I troll a lot on here but I just want to get these emotions out and get a different perspective on things.
My psychiatrist tells me that I need to open up more, but I feel that if I do, I’d just explode.
Oh well. No need to spill that on here. Whoops.
*Also, Republicans aren’t that bad. Democrats are just as bad from a different direction. At some point, they’re just Nazis pointing at each other with how far apart they are.
I just had an old friend hit me up to talk after his recent heartbreak. My dog had died my aunty had cancer and I’m at rock bottom with my finances. Haven’t heard from this friend in years. No idea what I was going through.
I realized all my friends from my youth were really shitty. Lack of reciprocal respect and kindness over the decades really dried up my empathy response. I sent him a rap lyric and wished him the best.
From my experience those emotions are wasted on others. This is completely anecdotal but something to reflect on. I get the sense that your friendships were not worth keeping and at this point it probably doesn’t matter whose fault that is.
Sounds like that toxic relationship continued through divorce with her making everyone “take sides” and stealing all support. Can’t give you any advice, you could reach out to some of your closest friends… Or, just start fresh with new people… like, moving to a new city or neighborhood.
Good luck! Stay safe and strong :)
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Unfortunately a lot of people are going to assume you have it under control already and/or would prefer the solitude as you sort through it. That’s not the extent of the issue, obviously, but that’s a pretty significant compounding factor.
Hey dude, it sucks to be in your position now. Divorce is hard. You feel all alone and it seems the rest of the world just keep moving forward when all you really want is to stop and tend to this big wound that opened up.
People don’t want to stop and see this wound you’re dealing with because it makes them uncomfortable. I’ve experienced that the only ones who can empathize are the ones that have gone through something painful such as divorce, or losing a loved one.
I can’t say if your existing friends were good/bad, but maybe you guys weren’t close to begin with. I lost my “friends” during my divorce, some of it was me culling people out of my life because I realized they were just “fair weather” friends. I also realized that I wasn’t a good friend to them either. New friends I made afterwards were closer because i shared my story with them and they accepted me. That’s also why I made more friends with older single people, male and females, those who had seen some shit.
I got close with my siblings finally, which was amazing, I told them how I had suicidal tendencies or thoughts too. My family got super worried, but my brother’s got close and checked in on me more. I made time for them too.
I know a message from an internet stranger may not mean much, but I wish you strength and kindness as you slog your way through to finding yourself again. You know that child that’s deep down? That person that enjoyed doing whatever activity and got tremendous joy out of it? That guy. If you can, please look after that 12 year old version in your soul (hopefully that makes some sense).
May you be well.
Edit: spacing
First : sorry you are going through this.
Second : yes most guys won’t get the support they need. It sucks.
Third : yes you have shitty people around you
The people who you thought were your friends aren’t. Forget about them. Forget they exist. They aren’t worth your time.
Figure out what you like to do and join a club or group and move forward. Not just get over it. In that new group look for support there. Look for better friends there.
Thanks.
Yeah I’d be there for my bros if they went through this.
Yea, I have been there for several friends that went through this. If it really is how you say then those people kind of suck atm. Maybe ask one why before you write them off though. Better to know for sure vs remaining angry with people.
OP mentioned in another comment he went alt-right for a bit and came back.
I wouldn’t be there if a friend went off the deep end. I would however call him out for his views and tell him to fuck off vs just ghosting.
Ahh well if that’s the other shoe dropping. I’m always skeptical of folks that never bring up their flaws in the history. OP if that’s true you should own it, and apologize for those beliefs. It’s possible these people were done with you before the divorce.
He commented below with it. Might wanna reply there.
Good on you. In my experience no matter how much you’re there for bros, as soon as shit hits the fan for you it’s “sorry, I’m not really good with that stuff lol” and then they just kind of disappear until you’re magically better.
It’s also not easy to just write people off from your life for being shitty when you’re down and then be left with nobody. People act like “find better friends” is easy. Finding friends at all is hard for most people.
The quality of your life is the sum of the quality of the five people with whom you spend the most time.
five people with whom you spend the most time
To shreds, you say?
Do my dogs count?
I’d like to strongly challenge your third point. As others have said, there are many reasons people don’t provide emotional support besides “they’re not your friends.” They might not know how to be supportive, they might be afraid of saying the wrong things and causing more hurt, they might have an avoidant attachment style with a deep fear of having others depend on them. We all have moments when we fail to show up for people we care about, and if we respond by ending those relationships, we’ll be left without any at all.
I’m not saying it’s wrong for OP to end those friendships, and I think making new friends is usually a good move. I am saying that - when both parties are willing - being able to name and repair those hurts is part of having healthy relationships.
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I wouldn’t say his friends are just shitty people. You really have to work with bros to foster a relationship where talking about emotions is acceptable. As men, we are really just ill equipped because of broad ideas about masculinity and its hard cycle to break.
Im willing to bet, if you surveyed his friends, there might be some who are heart broken they didnt know they should have stepped up.
Fair enough
