My executive functioning fell off a cliff when a lot of externally enforced routines all stopped during Covid lockdowns. While watching YouTube it suddenly recommended a video describing what adhd can look like in adults. I looked into it more and am 99.99% sure. It explains so much about my whole life.

As I am not looking to get medicated and the waitlist for an official diagnosis is long I don’t see the point at the moment. Especially because I don’t feel like I need someone else to verify what I already know.

Attention, memory, constantly walk away and forget everything that was said, I can watch the same movie a few times before I remember it. I’m overall a space cadet in the brain. Did it happen yesterday? A few days ago? Two weeks ago? Who knows?

Why I don’t go get tested? I like flying planes and the FAA doesn’t believe ADHD is safe. Well, it’s fine if you can properly manage it. It’s pretty easy to take notes and follow the checklists.

From YouTube and friends that have it I definitely suspected I did in my 20s. It wasn’t until my early/mid 30s though I got evaluated for it due to issues I was starting to have getting things done at work (forgetting things that needed completed, missing details, zoning out on calls more often). I think I masked it well previously because my work was varied and challenging but a new role had me doing more mundane things that required experience and attention to details but weren’t difficult for me or overly stimulating.

Reading adhd memes and realizing it was just me

I was in the denialist camp. Not understanding what it was, I thought it was “a social media epidemic” and not a real thing.

My nephew (roughly my age, for context) told me he thought he had it, which I dismissed, also that it’s genetic (knowing my mom and sister it did make a bit more sense…) then almost immediately came across a comment in Reddit of someone who had ADHD and wrote an experience that resonated SO MUCH with me. At that point I was mega suspicious.

I met my partner a couple of months after that, and another couple of months later, he moved into a house with a landlady… with ADHD. She’s actually an ADHD coach now. Whenever her and I got together we essentially were mirrors of each other, forgetting things, misplacing things, dissociating, hyperfocusing, fidgeting…

I got diagnosed a year after that.

When you’re young masking is a lot easier. Pair that with the ability to drink pots of coffee nonstop throughout the day to self medicate and the time to exercise for at least an hour every day and you can get by pretty effectively. At some point though you get old and busy enough that A: it’s not possible to physically drink enough coffee to self medicate anymore and B: you don’t always have 1-2h a day to devote to exercise. At that point it becomes apparent that you should probably be on medication if you want to remain high functioning.

My primary care doctor picked up on it in my late 20’s. It was impressive - I think he suspected, so asked 3 questions/statements about my behaviour as a kid and teenager, things that nobody, not my parents, siblings or friends knew. They were formed as “you did X, Y, Z, as a teen, didn’t you?”.

They were questions regarding self control and specific drug use. In particular, he said “you did come as a teen, and you felt it calmed you down”. Mind. Blown.

Two children diagnosed using my school reports as background. All the signs.

While getting an adult diagnosis here is expensive and difficult, it’s probably inevitable.

I’ll get 'round to it soon…

I was listening to a podcast about it. I was especially tuned into it because my new stepson was diagnosed long ago, and I thought it should help me understand what I was getting into. I really enjoyed the speaker, so I bought his book for more info.

In the book, I learned all about “inattentive type” which I had never heard of before. As he described the characteristics of inattentive, I was trying to figure out how that was any different from normal, and then it hit me:

I actually have no idea how a normal brain works.

I didn’t really, I had a poor understanding of it before, and was diagnosed when I was seeking help for depression

My partner suspected it like a decade ago, pandemic rolled around, masking got harder. Started with my current therapist, who has ADHD, they worked with me exploring why I thought I may and helped me navigate diagnosis, seeing others lived experiences was big and is why I’m open about it at work and otherwise.

Had my preliminary consult with my psych and was given an eval that I passed with flying colours. Looking back, I check lots of boxes, I failed a course in uni because I got stressed and binged wow as an outlet, loss of structure hit me hard going from highschool. Courses I wasn’t interested in I had a hard time investing in. My masking at work didn’t do great for my mental health or personal life, food & alcohol were the drugs I used (incidentally vyvanse is used for binge eating disorder as well), hit financial issues from impulse spending. I’ve written about my experience with that in the past, was not a good time in my life (mentally or physically) but I’ve worked through it (with therapy) so it’s a chapter I don’t want to repeat.

I went through stages of acceptance after my diagnosis, which is totally normal, I’d get frustrated realising how much of my behaviour is linked to my ADHD, either directly or as a coping mechanism. Was annoyed initially I got the diagnosis in my 30s but hey, can’t change the past and I wouldn’t be who I am without my experiences. I’ve still got work to do and maladaptive coping mechanisms to unpack, but hey it’s a journey and diagnosis was absolutely vital, I’m super grateful to my partner for really pushing me towards it, they’re also nd so we help support each other.

My kid got diagnosed, and then it became impossible to deny that I had it too

I was in therapy already for other reasons, and they suggested ADD. Only acted upon- and medicated after I fully crashed though.

Realized that something was wrong with me as I couldn’t study or do things that I need to do, still don’t have my diagnosis tho

Mom took me to the doctor when I was like a toddler and having sleeping problems or something and the doctor decided I had ADHD and tried prescribing meds (which my mom refused). Not sure when I learned about this though and if I already thought I probably had ADHD before I found out. I certainly remember one of my friend’s dad commenting about how I couldn’t sit more than other kids when I was like 7yo.