And, should I change?
I’m 38 years old, single, not interested in starting a family (my mother was a drama queen and I couldn’t live that again with a partner or a child), don’t own any property, not really a consumerist person, I max my 401k and save 70% of my net income because most of the stuff society tells me to buy is irrelevant to me (I still own clothes I bought 20 years ago and they still fit me), don’t need a car and use a bike or public transportation, I prefer to cook at home because it’s cheaper and I can choose what I cook. I stopped drinking alcohol 10 years ago. I’m definitively not an extrovert.
I majored in philosophy because I liked it and I still do, but never found a job with my major. I tried being a high school teacher, but teenagers are way too much for me. Nursing, what I do now, is a versatile and safer job, even if I think it’s slowly killing me.
I feel cheated in life.
For 15 years I lived paycheck to paycheck paying off my debt, often having to move due to increased rent so this might be my way of coping with trauma. I still feel I’m way behind most people my age. I feel like a loser because I imagine them knowing better than me what they want in life.
It’s true that comparison is the thief of joy, but I cannot stop ruminating about this.
If you read my post history you’ll realize I don’t really care about my job, but stay because I need a paycheck and I like having a big rainy day fund. If I was a millionaire, I’d stop working. I don’t like any job.
It might be true that I’m autistic, because close human connections where never that important to me and most people I work with are not close to me, but as I’m nearing 40 I’m starting to think if my destiny is going to be to live and die alone in a nursing home. Sometimes this scares me, but I always go back to my apathetic, indifferent self, like I’m on some kind of drug that makes me not feel anything, neither good or bad, like my emotional brain is underdeveloped.
What I don’t want to be is this desperate loner craving for any kind of human attention turning to post his whole life online hoping a good Samaritan comes and saves me. First because it’s pathetic and secondly because that’s never a good foundation to build a friendship, I’d be inviting a predator, another crazy loner, a newborn Christian to save me with god, somebody trying to scam me with a MLM scheme or an antivaxer into my life. And I’m not a 20 year old discovering the world, I’m almost 40.
Every woman I’ve been attracted to has ignored me and every woman that showed an interest in me wasn’t good enough to me: she could be eager to make a connection, put an interest, even pretty and genuine but I cannot fake being in love or feeling attraction. I always ended up considering them as friends or acquaintances. I’m too old and too introverted (autistic?) to visit a club and try to impress a woman to go out with me.
I don’t think this is depression, depression would be me not going to work not even calling in sick.
It seems clear I need a friend, but I don’t know how to make friends anymore. I focused so much on surviving that I stopped caring about anyone else.
My advice is to enroll in a community college acting class and really throw yourself into it. Worked wonders for me, in fact it turned my whole life around. I didn’t become a professional actor but it changed how I look at everything. Take job interviews - I reframed them as not being job interviews, I already work there, I’ve been away on a sabbatical or something and it’s my first day back. Think how great it will be to see everybody again! It’s a fantastic group, we all like each other, the manager is awesome… so I get into that character and when I walk in I’m genuinely glad to be there and everybody feels it - not the formal politeness of a typical super-nervous applicant, instant comfort level and 100% culture fit. There are lots more ways acting experience benefited me - one was the almost instant social life. Rehearsals, going out for pizza, cast parties, other parties, dating - theatre women are a blast, and tbh a straight guy doing theatre is golden. I went from overanxious introverted computer nerd to sociable, confident, dare-I-say Man About Town, puttin’ on the Ritz.
edit: regarding age - I started in my late 20s but late 30s is totally fine. Most of the students were early 20s, people who had gone to work right after high school for a few years and had gone back to school. But there were people older than myself. There may or may not be people there your age in a particular class, but it doesn’t matter. When you’re doing a character you aren’t who you are anyway. So don’t let that hold you back.
First:
No, you don’t need a purpose, and your lifestyle sounds ok, if you were enjoying it (I think plenty of people would) but a couple of things stick out to me. One, you are avoiding romantic attachment - if any women are attracted to you, you are not unattractive or too awkward or whatever - you are really not attracted to any women who find you attractive? Or your brain rejects them because you subconsciously think you cannot possibly be attractive so there has to be something wrong with them?
Two, you do honestly sound depressed. It doesn’t have to mean so catatonic you can’t make it to work, it can mean going through the motions of life without feeling anything.
Do you have any hobbies, no matter how obscure? That’s often a great gateway to meet people with a shared interest. If you don’t have one, look for nearby homeless shelters / churches. They often have volunteer programs where you can do anything from feeding the homeless, to helping pick up trash, etc. This work tends to be very fulfilling because you can cause a positive impact in the area that you live in. You will probably also meet a person or two while doing this.
People love to talk about themselves, so if you do manage to chat someone up at one of these events, ask them about their life. Try to steer the questions towards one that don’t have a yes/no answer, and keep engaging them and asking follow up questions. Making acquaintances is basically as easy as that. Do that long enough and you’ll have more than one friend.
TLDR: Find people with shared interests; engage them in conversation. Repeat until friend[s] acquired. Easy as that.
I don’t have a general answer for you, but I did want to say that you should not rule out depression as a major component of what’s going on with you. I have a genetically-based cyclic depression that’s been with me more than four decades. Despite that, I have managed to remain employed. It has sometimes been very difficult, but it is possible to remain somewhat functional even when severely depressed. I have had to change jobs a few times because of it, but I’ve been able to make a steady living.
Depression can leave you with very little energy or volition, but very little is different from none. The worse it gets, the more you have to focus on your most critical necessities, which is not pleasant, but it can keep you going. Small victories like that can actually help counteract it. I think a lot of depression is “living to fight another day”.
If you do have depression, there are many things you can try. Therapy, medication, exercise, meditation, mindfullness, support groups, volunteering, hobbies, etc. Start by talking with a doctor.
I wish you the best!
If you aren’t uncomfortable you can’t change. But first you have to want to want it. You aren’t really living paycheck to paycheck if you have a healthy savings however, it may be time to move somewhere where you can afford to live for longer and enjoy your nursing career, it’s a noble one after all.
Making and keep friends / lovers is much harder especially if you’re successful financially and career wise. I’d try to find a hobby in the psychology world online. There’s plenty of like minds out there that share the passion. If you want true friends you need to let them not be perfect. Have a great deal of grace and humility with coworkers. Same with finding a mate, even more so.
Good luck, it sounds like you’re doing a lot of things a healthy way.
Find a shop sells games like Dungeons & Dragons or Magic: the Gathering, stuff like that.
Even if you don’t play, you have a high chance of crossing paths with nerds (autistic folk, if you will). This could give you human connection in your life.
Near as I can tell, that’s the only god damn reason to be on this Earth. Hang out with other humans.
Psychedelics.
Yes they are not for everyone, but they sure as hell are for me.
I think you should get a roommate. Worst case scenario you make an enemy. Most likely scenario is you become more tolerant of others and save some money. Just be clear about boundaries up front.
I can’t stress enough how helpful it would be for you to find a hobby and meet with people who also enjoy the same hobby. Do that, hands down. Good luck!
Hidden Brain had a good episode “Why You Feel Empty” Aug. 6, 2024. “We all know what it feels like to be sad” … “We also know what it feels like to be joyful and happy” … “Sociologist Corey Keyes says lots of us live in an emotional netherworld that falls between these two poles, we are not depressed but still feel unfulfilled.” Anyway, I saved it cause it stuck with me because I’ve been languishing for a while as well. Give it a listen let me know what you think.
You are sharing very deep observations about yourself.
About your mother and her impact on you wanting to start a family, take a look at raisedbynarcicissts communities or speak to a therapist.
For friends connection, try joining a board game club in your area. They really don’t care about autistic traits.
I’d recommend minimising the amount of commercial media you are viewing, and switch to mostly consuming open-licenced media for a while.
Audio books: librivox.org
Movies: vole.wtf/voleflix
Nursing, and care professions like teaching or ambulance drivers, can often be squeezed to rely on the compassion of the individuals in them. Do you have balance within your position. Is it time to retrain for something else at night-school? Or time to go to 3 or 4 days a week.
Take some pride, every single day nurses help people to stay alive.
The Stoic Reading app on FDroid may help you find some philosophy that motivates or solidifies a purpose.
Travel to a different town and meet random people, introduce yourself using your middle name. Invest nothing in making long term friends, just chat.
You actually sound quite aware of many things around you, finding opportunities for hobbies or artistic endeavours, where you do not overthink things, would help.
Remember that everyone is doing their best with what they know, and to let some things go.
All the best for your future.
Nobody has a purpose in life. Belief that life has a purpose is a creationist delusion created to try and comprehend and apply order to what is intrinsically chaotic and random, and to fight the anxiety that their fears induce.
Your options are to choose one of the following:
- Acceptance. You can accept that life is meaningless and that it’s okay. This one’s my preference.
- Denial. You can deny life’s meaninglessness and seek to find or create a purpose for yourself. This can range from something as simple as a hobby to as life changing as having a family or advocating for a cause.
- Embrasure. Revel in the chaos and express yourself through it, doing whatever you want without thought it care. This is best exemplified by the fictional character of the Joker.
- Oppression. Take up religion to crush understanding of reality and replace it with a delusion of supernaturally defined purpose. This is probably the most commonly used option, frequently forced upon people during childhood.
- Opposition. Attempt to fight the reality or mask the effects of meaninglessness through other means, such as direct therapy, chemical dependency (not recommended), talking with friends/family, or through other methods not previously mentioned.
Understanding one’s place in the universe (insignificant, irrelevant, and temporary speck) is important to having an accurate impression of ones existence. Whether one can accept that and what one do with that understanding is unique to the individual.
I hope that helps - good luck.
This, so much. You majored in philosophy, you know more about absurdism than I do. You also know there’s no such thing as “being ahead” or “being behind” in life, just being closer or further to your own values.
You’ve got an approximate 30-40 years of good cognition and physical ability left, and soon after you’ll die and nothing will have mattered anyway. “Existed safely until s/he died” is one possible path to take, but it sounds like you want permission to step out of it. Go for it, the world doesn’t care.
After doing research on solutions I found that many people benefit from volunteering and joining groups.
The ability to look into other people’s needs and glean some joy from solving social issues is usually overlooked by modern society.
Also, people with religions tend to take delivery of life’s goals. They accept the social bindings that find them.
Allow people to seek you out, and take intrigue and curiosity from what is happening. Obey the social contract and get beyond the niceties of not really accepting people into your life.
If you’re surrounded by streets full of bums you could see it as your challenge to work with them, rally against their terrible choices, or escape them.
Experiment with meaning. Take them all out for lunch. Throw a street party for them. Hire a bus and take them somewhere. Teach them how to live again.
Accept your reality and it might accept you back!
Upsticks and leave. Whereever you are you can probaly go and do wha you do somewhere else. I would pick a whole other country, you could pick ones that align with your interests like philosophy and cooking - places where there is history or active communities in those spaces.
As for making friends, join clubs. Start running, playing board games, cold water swimmimg, etc.
If you are looking for purpose and you don’t mecessarily care about money you could make a huge impact in charitable works. If you don’t like human contact you could volunteer with animals.
You are at a crossroads in that you feel jilted and stuck but in reality you have nothing keeping you in one place. If you save 70% of your earnings for multiple years you are in a position to just stop working while you figure it out. You are in a position to take a pay cut and find something you enjoy.
I know a few people who were in similar spots and one became a data analyst for a charity - less hours and he can see changes being made by his hand - and the other travels to meet the elderly to record and archive their memories for posterity.
You could do absolutely anything.
I am similar, though for me I’d say it’s more of a personality disorder (SzPD) which also makes socialization a dilemma (it’s a term). Though I live somewhere without much to do (+no public transportation), particularly because I have no interest in driving.
Though I lack skills/money, plus have untreated health issues and likely depression.
