Hey there,
I recently found out Kris Tyson is now trans. She had a wife and a child before the transition. This kind of made me wonder. How can anyone be sure they won’t turn out trans? Like what made you (to any trans people out there) make the switch?
To add a little context. I am a man, straight maybe a tiny bit bi. I have a some traits/interests that would typically be “reserved” (please excuse my terminology here and there) for women.
For instance, I dance a lot. I have even started ballet dancing. And in the past I had an eating disorder. Now I know this may sound a kind of bigoted or stereotypical. But I don’t mean it that way, this is purely based on statistics.
However I feel in no way that I am in the wrong body. I like being a man, I like the idea of masculinity, and I like being a man who dances. (Okay granted, I did not like the eating disorder)
But it makes me “worried” if I do end up trans when I already have a wife and children. I want to know before I get all of that done you know what I mean? Tyson probably wanted too, now that I think about it.
Bottom line: How did most trans people know they were trans?
The other posts all have some pretty good advice about how to tell if you’re trans so I wanted to add:
When you see a slogan like “trans rights are human rights”, I want you to know that trans rights are your rights too. You should have the right to do ballet if you want and not feel like you’re doing something weird or outside the norm, and I think it’s rational self-interest to support visible trans people for that reason! If transphobia went away then you wouldn’t need to feel weird about doing something gender nonconforming.
I’m a somewhat gender nonconforming man. I have long hair. I enjoy wearing colorful, frilly clothes. I crossplay in videogames. I love reading shoujo mangas. There’s a bunch of very “unmanly” hobbies I have. And I’ve had this question for a while: what if I’m actually Trans, and just masking it with stuff I deem acceptable for a man?
Then, after about one year of living together, my flatmate came out to me as Trans. She realized/admitted it to herself a bit before moving in (we knew each other before, but we weren’t really close), and started experimentally wearing women’s clothes and doing makeup (and probably some other stuff) whenever I was away for the past half year. I was one of the first people she came out to.
Over the next few years I saw her transition a lot. I was there, when she came out to a couple of common friends, gave her the courage to come out to her family (which caused some issues in the beginning, but ultimately turned out good), experienced her fashion change from awkwardly hyper feminine (pink skirts, fishnets, an oversized bra stuffed with definitely too much TP) to something that suits her much more and feels natural to her body type (still skirts and stockings and bras, just less awkward). She even started HRT recently.
And throughout all this, I realized one thing: I fundamentally don’t empathyze with that aspect of her in any way, shape or form. Like, I understand rationally what she’s going through. I see her get visibly happier every step of the way. If I was Trans, and just couldn’t admit it to myself as I said in the beginning, I’d expect to feel something when looking at her changes. Maybe some jealousy or envy. Or at least some type of “I want that for me too” type of thing. But I don’t. Whenever my flatmate did a change, my only thoughts were : “great for you” and “I wouldn’t bother doing that for myself”.
Living with a trans woman made me fully realize that I am male. I’m very much ok with people putting me in the same group as people like Leonardo Di Caprio, Ghandi, Trump, the five year old boy next door, and the rest of more or less 50% of humans that have ever lived (I know that’s normative of the gender binary, but I couldn’t think of a way to phrase this without making it overly complicated). Yet I am fundamentally different from every one of those. So to me, it feels like I shouldn’t really place any value on being part of that group. I just know that I am, and that’s it.
As for you: talk to trans people. See if you can relate to them. Watch videos by trans creators. Experiment with stuff you consider to be feminine, and see if it makes you happy. Or if it makes you feel uncomfortable, try to figure out why. And if you find stuff you like, it doesn’t necessarily mean that you are trans, though I believe that at some point that is strongly implied.
I have know idea what it actually means to be a man or a woman, or trans, or non-binary, or agender. I’ve just had an opportunity to figure out which of these groups I fit in. And I’ve realised that in the end, even though I know something about myself now, it doesn’t really matter.
If it matters to you then you’ll know. If it doesn’t matter to you, then find another interesting facet of life to fixate on.
IANA trans person.
From what I’ve heard, a big factor is body dysmorphia. Do you look at your chest and think it’d feel more right with boobs on it? Does the idea of facial hair seem like it could never be “you”?
You don’t have to be all man all the time. You can like feminine things. That doesn’t mean you’re actually a woman. There’s plenty of shades of grey.
Nitpick: it’s body dysphoria, not dysmorphia. The latter makes you actively see your body differently from what it is.
It sounds like you actively enjoy your current gender identity. Most people who go on to change theirs don’t actively enjoy what it used to be, at best they generally just don’t feel connected to it. This was the case for me; I never felt manly, or enjoyed anything about being male. It didn’t bother me, but I never really connected to it.
Ultimately, the only thing required for you to be trans is that you decide you want to be; there isn’t some magic checklist of signs or requirements that if you meet, you’re trans. If you think you might be happier in life with a fem gender identity, it’s up to you whether or not to act on it.
You can’t BECOME trans, you only find out that you are trans, and come out as such as a result.
I like “realize”. I knew there was such a thing as a “sex change surgery” and even looked into it from a technical perspective because it intrigued me. It’s fantasized about moving to a new city and getting one; starting over.
I’d heard an offhand version of David Reimer’s story as kind of a conservative horror story. I’d seen movies and tv shows make plenty of fun of people who “pretended” to be “the wrong sex”. Monty Python’s “lady penis” scene still pops into my head sometimes.
I knew trans people existed and I’d seen a couple of people with “they/them” on their name badge. But I never really put together that those things were “real” in a meaningful way, or applicable to me and my experiences.
So then I kind of realized what it all meant.
I was transphobic myself (living in a transphobic country my whole life kinda influenced my younger self), but once I knew exactly what being trans was all about, I immediately became a trans ally. Hell, I don’t even conform to my own gender (I am male).
I’m in my 40’s and trans, and ever since I was a child I knew I didn’t fit my assigned gender and it just felt… wrong. Took me a long time to understand this was me being trans and not me being “broken” somehow, thanks to a conservative upbringing, but basically I’ve known all my life.
dancing doesn’t make you a woman. feeling like a woman does. do you feel like you’re a woman? if not, you’re not a woman.
I think this is way too simple to answer OP’s question. Not all trans women “feel like a woman” from birth. Otherwise way less people would come out as adults.
so? are you suggesting people should transition just in case they feel like a woman in the future? no. you do it when you feel like it. i just think op is too caught up on gender norms, and thinks going against them might indicate you’re trans. it’s not the case.
How did you come to that conclusion from my comment?
I think the term you might identify with more is “gender nonconforming” meaning you enjoy things that are not traditionally associated with your gender, but you’re happy with your gender and body the way they are. If you felt dysphoric/uncomfortable with your body that would be more trans. Hope that helps, whatever you choose to label it doesn’t matter too much just be what makes you most comfortable!
There is no realizing that you’ll turn out trans, because by realizing that you are realizing that you are trans.
However I feel in no way that I am in the wrong body.
I’m not trans, but I believe that’s the key. You said “turn out trans,” but I believe most trans folks never really felt like they were in the right body, ever, though they might not have realized what it was that was wrong earlier. It’s not like people wake up one day and think, “oh shit, I’m trans!”
I am trans and I can say I’ve never felt like I was in the wrong body, I think most of the time that’s just a relatively flawed way to describe an experience that can’t truely be understood unless you’ve experienced it.
Of course, no one has the same experience with these things and it’s entirely valid if everyone else does feel that way. For me it’s mostly just been that something felt like it was missing, and I fixed that when I began to transition. The main thing was how much happier the internal changes made me, estrogen changes how you experience emotions and being out to my family had a similar effect.
When it comes to “signs” the biggest was just being envious of people who had the freedom to express differently than me. I can confirm that it’s a gradual realisation, though honestly most of that was overcoming shame and internalised transphobia.
Dancing and an eating disorder don’t make you bi. Same-gender attraction does.
Pretty sure my inability to use a chair correctly is what makes me bi, thinking everyone is hot is just a side effect
You don’r become trans, you eventually realize that you are trans :)
About being sure: It took me a lot of self-reflection and I only found out Inwas trans when I was 31ish.
If you feel like a man, like being a man, and enjoy having man parts, you’re probably a man. Your interests are not your gender, and dancing isn’t exclusive to women. Even ballet has male dancers.
Still, a little bit of exploration never hurt anybody. If you are trans, if living as another gender would make you much happier, wouldn’t you want to know sooner rather than later? And if you aren’t trans, you might still learn a thing or two about yourself that you never would have discovered otherwise. Most people go their whole lives without ever questioning their gender or closely examining what it means to them, and I think they’re missing out. There is power in truly knowing yourself.
Do some thinking. Ask more questions. Not just to others, but to yourself as well. What do you like about being a man? Can you imagine not being one? How does that image make you feel? If you could instantly become anything, with no rules or consequences, what would you pick? Don’t shut anything down; there are no wrong answers. Allow yourself the freedom to explore.
It may help you to stop thinking in the binary terms that society imposes on us. Gender isn’t just a question of Male or Female; there are many different kinds of men and many different kinds of women. There is a large area in between where the two overlap and the lines get fuzzy, and even places that aren’t on the same spectrum at all. I myself am a demigirl. My gender identity is mostly female, but also a little bit male and a little bit something else. You don’t need to feel obligated to be what anyone else is.
As for how I found out, I’ve already posted that elsewhere in this thread. It looks like you’ve gotten a lot of answers from others as well. I wish you good luck in wherever this journey takes you.
If you could instantly become anything, with no rules or consequences, what would you pick? Don’t shut anything down; there are no wrong answers. Allow yourself the freedom to explore.
What’s the point of imagining a change with no consequences? Isn’t that effectively the same as no change at all?
I think they mean no consequences as in friends and family won’t have any upsetting reaction, work will still be the same, and so on. Like picking male or female in a game, it rarely matters what you pick, the game just rolls with it.
Yes, I meant no negative or unintended consequences.
It sounds like you’re worried enjoying activities and having personality traits typically associated with women means you may be trans, which could negatively affect your family life if you transitioned. I mean this in the nicest way possible: my therapist would probably call this catastrophizing. It’s coming from a kind place (you don’t want to potentially upset your family), but it’s several hypotheticals stacked on top of each other. Don’t borrow trouble, as my grandma would say.
Nobody is going to be able to give you a test to tell you with 100% confidence you aren’t trans, but if you’ve always felt comfortable with being a man and your anatomy, there is no reason to believe you will suddenly want to be a woman. Feminine men are no less men than masculine men. Some feminine men are even trans men! Being a man (gender identity) isn’t the same thing as acting masculine (gender expression).
So, all that said, what made me realize I’m trans is finding out trans men exist. Seriously, that was all it took. Before that I only knew trans women existed and thought I wasn’t “allowed” to be trans. Within maybe a month of thinking on it and reading accounts from other trans men, I knew I was trans.
