Small talk by definition is useless drivel. I don’t build relationships on that…
I think there’s a misconception regarding what counts as small talk. “Bland conversation that has no real point but to escape silence” is small talk. Asking you how your day went because I care about you is not. “How’s the weather?” is small talk. “How was your trip to the grocery?” is small talk. These are dumb things and, if your relationship can’t bear the silence that would be interrupted because “The vegan sausages were on sale today”, then it prolly doesn’t need to exist.
Yup. I ask my SO how they slept because I know they tend to go to bed late and I want to know if I should make time for them to take a nap or something.
We only talk about the weather when we’re deciding on plans for the day (e.g. picnic or dine in today?).
If you’re talking just to talk, you’ve already lost.
I’m not entirely sure what counts as small talk. When I think of it, it’s usually conversation between strangers or acquaintances where neither party knows the safe topics, the topics to be avoided, or even the general preferences of the other. It’s all testing water stuff.
I think that’s what people actually mean when they say they hate small talk. They hate the awkwardness of not yet knowing enough about their interlocutor to know they won’t accidentally upset anyone. Or they don’t have the skill to navigate that social space to avoid negative consequences. It can feel downright dangerous in some circumstances.
And that’s tough. Because the socialites think it’s a skill issue, which it often is. And unfortunately if you don’t learn that skill growing up, the social consequences of being bad at small talk only get bigger and more dangerous, which prevents folks from being able to practice freely.
I dunno. Just my $.02 I guess.
the social consequences of being bad at small talk only get bigger and more dangerous
Eh, I just went into a field largely dominated by introverts, which seems to have largely solved the problem.
I’m reasonably “good” at smalltalk, but I actively avoid situations where I need to use that skill.
It’s funny cause to me it’s always meant a third entirely different thing! To me small talk is just starting from a basic place to feel each other out a bit, bringing up mundane things and simple questions to find topics we could drill further into.
“How was your day” to a partner would be small talk, even though I care about what they’re saying - I’m just asking so they can bring up something to talk about. “Weather’s been shit lately” to a stranger is small talk, but the ensuing story about how they had to rush to work late in the rain would not be.
Given it means three different things to three random people, it’s almost like “small talk” actually covers a broad set of social purposes and people who “aren’t into it” might actually be missing a lot 😝
I think I actually agree with you overall.
My comment above was more trying to express what I think “small talk” means to the people who always complain about small talk, maybe. Unsure. Slightly elevated atm.
I don’t disagree with you at all, but the screenie was of a message addressing communication between people who are supposedly in an intimate conversation. One should hope that their conversations can be more substantive, personal, and easy-going in a romantic relationship.
Some ability to break ice with strangers using brief small talk is useful as a starting point for conversation, but if you truly know me, say what you need to say or enjoy the ASMR of my presence.
Absofuckinglutely. This is what I do, and what she does, though our methods of exploration vary.
I’m not going to be in a relationship with anyone who thinks “freewill” is a word.
Sounds like Germans are gonna be at an inherent disadvantage.
Ehm. Yes?
Someone once pointed out to me that what I consider small talk might be someone else’s important.
Sure it might seem like gossip or chat about the weather just for the sake of talking but it can equally be someone trying to say that they are lonely and need reassurance.
I think about that a lot and I’ve become a lot more tolerant. Besides, you can segue into some pretty big chat from such humble starts.
The issue is that a lot of small talk is superficial or even dishonest, like the stereotypical question of how you are. Because, no, they don’t actually want to hear about your problems. They want you to say “good and you?”, and will answer equally dishonest. It’s one of my biggest issues with it because I really don’t care about talking about things that none of us actually care about. If you don’t want to know how I am, don’t ask. If you have nothing better to say than moan about the weather (which is almost always either too hot, or too cold, or too rainy, or too snowy, etc), then don’t even bother with yapping me up.
This is a great way to think about it, goes along nicely with the idea that even the smallest acts of care can have a huge impact on someone’s day. Simply engaging with someone a little can be enough to make them feel better. It might even be fair to say it’s What We Owe To Each Other (for fans of moral philosophy, and/or The Good Place 😉).
I also had a workplace where the admin kept accusing us of “gossiping” about them. The misogynistic implications were not lost on a group of (mostly) female nurses who were actually mostly discussing how they were being horribly mistreated by their superiors. These people were really tryna act like we were bullying them; our bosses. YOU CAN’T BULLY YOUR BOSS.
Ha, jokes on them! I haven’t been in a relationship in about a decade and I don’t see that ever changing so I don’t need small talk!
…wait. Who’s the joke on?
:P
You need small talk to find the big talk.
Actually I have this kind of conversations. I don’t care so much about monkey problems
Comfortable silence. Learn to appreciate it.
“We still never talk sometimes” - Swanson
Someone quoting him on the internet like this would go against his whole philosophy
remembers Pulp Fiction scene least that’s what comfortable silence makes me think of, and yes I agree, it’s nice when a couple people can sit down and not feel like they have to say anything.
30 years ago today - some cinemas are marking the anniversary with a showing.
Holy crap I had no idea it was an actual anniversary! I just think in pop culture bits (memes). Neat. I so remember the first time watching it in the early teens, Tarantino can sure write fun random dialogue also sure was fun seeing Travolta be awesome again at the time after the baby movies. Not that I didn’t enjoy Look Who’s Talking,at the time, but who remembers those after Pulp Fiction for Travolta?
It would be hell to come home to someone who only wanted to talk about the weather and how those jockstraps are doing.
how those jockstraps are doing
Did you see that ludicrous display last night?
The one where they ran with the ball and they did the thing?
Oh no, they were about to do the thing, but then the opposition, in a shocking display of competence, stopped them from doing the thing and did the thing themselves!
This has been a major setback in the quest to gain possession of the large ornament typically given to the most competent group!
This definitely taking on a strange planet vibe.
Their premium is they just walk it in
In my perspective (a lonely person generally accustomed with my loneliness), small talk doesn’t seem to be the problem. The problem is the lack of people’s interest in deep topics, such as the aforementioned nature of reality: people either don’t have the needed patience, time, or both. People are so busy running through the survival game of the mundane existence that deep topics are left for their afterlives (if there’s one), when human ideologies and need for survival cease to exist. Small talk is like “sorry I got no time to think about the ultimate question of life, universe and everything else, gotta go to my modern slavery where I’m not paid to think but to obey, bye!”. Deep inside, seems like a fear of becoming lonely as those that, just like me, likes to think about the depths of the reality and breaking paradigms (for example, “shouldn’t we discuss how existence is so fleetingly finite in the grand scheme of cosmos and how futile is to accumulate wealth and goods?” is a granted source of loneliness).
The problem is the lack of people’s interest in deep topics,
I’m not sure about that. I think small talk serves occasions where you might want to keep it polite as deeper topics tend to become emotionally loaded disputes.
For example, going to a bubble tea shop. Usually, you don’t want to discuss the meaning of life with the shop keeper, but it may be a nice gesture to talk a bit about the small things in life. Small talk is a good way to share a pleasant conversation and appreciate each other.
Furthermore, small talk can serve as an opener to deeper topics if the occasion arises and everyone seems to be in the mood for such deeper topics.Anyway, my wife and I are friends with the shop keeper now and we’ve talked about the weather, religions, vacations and how to raise children.
There’s someone out there that would love talking about that stuff with you if you haven’t already found them just so you know! ❤️
Everyone’s got a person with a similar wave length as long as they don’t settle before then!
Met a few people like that, can literally talk to them for hours without getting bored
So far all of those people are either dudes or taken though lol
That doesn’t mean they will ever meet though… 😅
Not the OP, but I seem to share at least some form of his experience and I actually think this “song” does a really good job of summarizing how I feel about it.
I am as sure there is someone out there for me as I am of anything else I have a high degree of confidence in. On the matter of whether we will ever meet or not though, that I can’t say. Maybe the world is too large and time is too great. In the grand scheme of things we will find out soon enough.
Well if they settle before then, they’ll for sure never meet.
Of course, though unfortunately the decision is not a binary one. If a person spends their whole life searching and not finding, it could be that putting the same amount of time and energy into something else would have resulted in a more fulfilling life. There are shades of gray with this too since it’s not one or the other. Like most things it’s all about balance.
Well said
personally im a firm believer in the shut the fuck up and be quiet camp.
Who cares if you talk. If you have something to talk about, talk about it, if not, don’t it’s that simple.
When family/friends asks you how you are doing but don’t listen to the answer that really sucks. Or they hear what they expect and make a comment that clearly means they weren’t listening. Personally I found that too much of small talk is someone saying or asking something with no intention of listening. Maybe they think they are being polite or some social obligations to talk but I hate it. If I ask “How you doing?” “How’s work?” I’m going to listen to your answer. If I make a comment about the weather and you comment back I will listen.
Imagine going through a marriage like “how about that weather”
IIIIT’S LIKE RAAAAIIIIIIIIIN ON YA WEDDING DAYYYY
IT’S A FREE RIIIDE WHEN YOU’VE ALREADY PAID
Yeah, no wonder so many people get divorced…
Have you seen the weather, lately?
Lol - yeah, that would suck!
“And what is it with airline food?”
“Oh yes hurricanes every where”
