I’m a sysadmin. We’re a Linux shop, I spend my life deep in the guts of Linux boxes, both server and desktop.

And for my daily-driver both at work and at home, I use windows.

The UI and overall UX are just better. The annoying bullshit I make a living knowing my way around, I don’t have to think about.

You are either lying or incredibly incompetent.

But on windows, the volume control just works,

Yes, there are edge cases in some distributions where - somewhere in the pulseaudio mess - this can be an issue on linux. However, basically everywhere in a default installation of a major distro, this works out of the box

I never have to delete lockfiles to get my browser to open,

Neither do normal people on Linux. Not sure what you broke to make that happen.

my desktop login doesn’t terminate if something in .profile returned nonzero,

In 20 years of using SUSE, debian, ubuntu as daily drivers, I have never ever managed to break a user profile this way.

I can play every video game out there without having to fuck around,

Because developers actively target the windows platform. Strawman: That’s a matter of software developed for the platform, not a shortcoming of the platform.

I can use native versions of real apps,

This is just plain bullshit. How desperate is your argument if you have to use the word “real” implying it has any meaning in this context other than tautologic “native versions of native apps”? The free software selection on Linux is vast. Obviously, if your life depends on some application that only runs on Windows, you’ll work with that. Still, that’s absolutely no shortcoming of Linux.

I don’t have package-management dependency hell,

Neither do you on a stable major linux distro.

all the pieces were designed to work with each other,

That is just plain bullshit again. Every single developer for Windows does their own thing, and sometimes it works, sometimes it breaks your system.

and the baseline cognitive load needed to just use my computer is zero,

More bullshit. in every single version of Windows and associated software, they “misplace” configuration settings and or menu functionality, change the UI, and you have tons of graphical bloat that keeps you from getting to the functionality you actually need.

which frees up my brain to focus on my actual work, or for playing games and fucking around on the internets

Megabullshit. Doing “actual work” on any version of windows requires increasing amounts of overhead with each new version just to navigate the UI bloat and restrictions imposed by the OS.

Why did I waste my time responding to such an obvious trollbait? That one’s on me, I guess…