EDIT: Thanks so much everyone. Great answers. This has been fun. Keep it going as long as you want!

DISCLAIMER: Silly Thought Exercise: NOT AN ENDORSEMENT OF REPLACING BIDEN. I personally do not think replacing Biden is a good idea at this stage in the election. I think that’s more dangerous than keeping him, sadly, but he’s who we’ve got. I’m just looking for shitposty thoughts on this question, please and thank you.

What-over-the-top absurd person would you choose to replace Biden who you think could actually body Trump, and why?

For an example, my choice would be based on the idea that the only thing that makes a bully like Trump wilt is a bigger bully. Secondly, US citizens love trash talking and sports and absolutely will vote for someone who is already famous, they certainly love their celebrities. Finally, what better sport for trash talk than basketball?

In that, my choice would be basketball legend Larry Bird. (he’s famously apolitical, so it’s hard to know if he would actually be politically aligned against Trump.)

…but, the thing is, Larry Bird is a masterclass trash talker.

And that is really what throws Trump off and throws him into obscene tantrums where his composure is lost and he comes off like a whining loser: when he’s been taken down a peg by someone else. Nothing sticks deeper in his craw. I don’t think he could handle Larry Bird’s level of shit-talk, Bird is like god-tier.

I can imagine Bird calling Trump out and saying he can smell his shit-filled diaper from across the auditorium, obviously Bird would describe more colorfully than I. The thing is, I can also see that absolutely throwing Trump into hysterics.

Also, at 67 Bird’s a fucking spring chicken compared to Biden or Trump.

So, I’m hoping for answers that are a bit silly, like this. Larry Bird is obviously not actually a good choice for this. I just like chuckling at the idea, because real life has gotten so absurd I need to hide in even deeper absurdity.

What’s your absurd Biden replacement? Please, I think we could use some laughs.

  • hedders@fedia.io
    1·
    4 months ago

    Taylor Swift. Not that I think she’s absurd. I just think she’d have absolutely zero time for Trump’s bullshit, and would probably write some very cutting lyrics about it.

  • BarbecueCowboy@lemmy.worldEnglish
    1·
    4 months ago

    I found a guy on linkedin that has the same name, just slot him in and pretend nothing happened, wouldn’t even have to change any of the campaign marketing. Dude looks to be in his 20s and manages a coffee place, definitely more than qualified.

    • cygnus@lemmy.ca
      1·
      4 months ago

      I don’t know John Stewart, but Jon Stewart would be an interesting choice.

      • mozz@mbin.grits.dev
        1·
        4 months ago

        I don’t care if he doesn’t want the job

        I think Biden has done great stuff (domestically 🙁) and I would expect good policies from him and obviously a dead plant would be a better president than Trump, but his debate performance is kinda hard to put a good spin on

        And therefore it is clear that what the world needs to see is a Jon Stewart vs Donald Trump debate

  • fruitycoder@sh.itjust.works
    1·
    4 months ago

    John Browns Body.

    I think we would be better off with any rotting corpse over Trump, but old John at least fought for something good once

  • SwingingTheLamp@midwest.socialEnglish
    1·
    4 months ago

    Sacha Baron Cohen.

    The appeal of Trump’s rhetoric and populist message is entirely subconscious, and doesn’t stand up to even a few moments of critical analysis. Baron Cohen has a genius-level understanding of how to get into people’s heads, and what’s more, he can do it fluently, on-the-fly. His U.S. presidential candidate character would totally dismantle MAGA.

  • StrawberryPigtails@lemmy.sdf.org
    1·
    4 months ago

    Well, Marshall Mathers in his Slim Shady persona would be interesting. Not sure who I would pair him up with for VP though.

    I figure after 4 years of Slim Shady as President, we would either have world peace or the world would be in pieces.

  • Lemmeenym@lemm.eeEnglish
    1·
    4 months ago

    A Martha Stewart/Snoop Dogg ticket would be interesting. I kinda want to see Snoop in the debate though so maybe a Snoop Dogg/Martha Stewart ticket.

    If you want to guarantee a win though Oprah is the answer. Just to maximize Trump’s rage I say we need Oprah/RuPaul 2024.

    • Snowclone@lemmy.world
      1·
      4 months ago

      Martha would throw biting sarcasm at him until he cried, and Snoop would just laugh his ass off. It would be wonderful.

  • Postmortal_Pop@lemmy.world
    1·
    4 months ago

    I think Weird Al Yankovic would be the perfect opponent. The absurdity of a political debate where Trump spouts absolute nonsense in a perfectly serious manor while Al lays serious facts in the most nonsensical form would be the show of the century and weird Al has better qualifications for the job by trumps standards having maintained cultural relevancy and financial stability for 4 decades. Plus he’s jest super likeable.

    • Facebones@reddthat.com
      1·
      4 months ago

      There are days I just want Terry Crews to run as Camacho. Don’t know where he stands on shit but he can physically crush an opposing world leader and that seems like a start.

  • Asafum@feddit.nl
    0·
    4 months ago

    a masterclass trash talker. And that is really what throws Trump off and throws him into obscene tantrums where his composure is lost and he comes off like a whining loser: when he’s been taken down a peg by someone else. Nothing sticks deeper in his craw.

    That’s an interesting point, I was actually kind of annoyed that Biden was insulting Trump as I saw it as stooping to his level, but your comment on that does make it seem like a valid strategy.

    I don’t think he could win, but for a laugh I’d love to see Hunter Biden replace Joe lol convicted felon vs convicted felon!

    • Snot Flickerman@lemmy.blahaj.zoneOPEnglish
      2·
      4 months ago

      Joe Biden is way too classy to really insult him. I felt like he was just being honest about who Trump is and what he has done. If it’s insulting, it’s Trumps fault for that being who he really is.

      Like, there’s reports Trump actually did shit himself during the debate (Sorry about the link to X, can’t find it elsewhere). Joe Biden is way too classy to call Trump out for such a thing.

      I agree, though! Hunter is just done even trying to have any semblance of reasonableness or classiness with the right wingers, so he’d probably be like “Okay, fuck this, let’s get dirty.”