DISCLAIMER - I am not planning on fighting a pelican.

there’s a brown pelican that hangs out on the railing of a very narrow portion of a boardwalk nearby. the only reason it makes me nervous is because it’s huge, but their nails look short, and their beaks are pointed, but curved downwards so they would have to try to bite me with that long thing instead of pecking me.

like, if a bird capable of clawing or eating my eyes out attacked my face, I’d honestly have no qualms about killing it immediately. but if I ever get attacked by a pelican, it looks like I could just kind of hold it off without having to hurt it. am I right in that?

  • EveryMuffinIsNowEncrypted@lemmy.blahaj.zone
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    4 months ago

    DISCLAIMER - I am not planning on fighting a pelican.

    I need this on a T-shirt.

    Seriously, this is the best thing I have seen on the Internet in a long time. It’s like I’m in 2013 all over again. Lol.

      • EveryMuffinIsNowEncrypted@lemmy.blahaj.zone
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        4 months ago

        Nah, I like the original way more.

        “I’m not planning on fighting a pelican” comes off as “well, I’m not planning on it, but it could happen”,

        while “I’m not planning on fighting a pelican” comes off as almost a political statement: “Statement: I do not have plans to fight a pelican.” like a politician at a press release.

        I feel the latter would confuse people more. Lol.

        • Ellia Plissken@lemm.eeOP
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          4 months ago

          during the first women’s march I wore a shirt that said “nobody for president” and everybody loved it including the counterprotesters

          • Otkaz@lemmy.world
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            4 months ago

            Nothing blows my mind more then someone deciding that today theyre going to crawl out of bed and go counter protest people wanting equal rights.

  • dual_sport_dork 🐧🗡️@lemmy.world
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    4 months ago

    Pelicans have stupid stumpy little legs, basically no talons because they have webbed ducklike feet, and are able to apply very little biting force with their beaks due to the length. Pelicans feed by scooping things up and swallowing them whole. They don’t bite, tear, or chew. I’ve never seen one try to peck anything. They’re certainly not built for that.

    If you grabbed a pelican by the beak I think there is vanishingly little it could actually do to you aside from squirming and flapping feathers all over the place. You should be fairly clear to yeet the thing into the ocean at your own convenience.

    • SolarMonkey@slrpnk.net
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      4 months ago

      I left this open for a while and forgot what post I was reading when I returned, so I misread your first sentence as “politicians” rather than pelicans…

      And lemme tell you, that was a quality chuckle.

  • RBWells@lemmy.world
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    4 months ago

    Real answer?

    Don’t fight the pelican. The law is on their side, for one thing.

    No I don’t think you could hold it away from you without hurting it or you. No I don’t think it has any intention of harming you, unless you are a fish. Walk on by, it will either just sit there or fly away.

  • Sarcasmo220@lemmy.ml
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    4 months ago

    The best way to fight is to prevent it from happening in the first place. I would recommend carrying an air horn or whistle and use the noise to scare it off.

    • Ellia Plissken@lemm.eeOP
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      4 months ago

      I deal with a lot of unleashed dogs around here going after my dog so I’m already carrying pepper spray. it’s too bad avians are immune to it.

      actually it’s not THAT bad. pepper spraying a seabird would probably end up with it drowning because it can’t see where it’s flying

  • gnu@lemmy.zip
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    4 months ago

    I actually have wrestled a bit with a pelican and can say that if you’re prepared to take a few scratches you’ll be able to hold one down. You just have to hold the beak and wings, once you’ve got it pinned their legs are too short to really get at you.

    Admittedly the pelican in question wasn’t operating at full potential (recovering from a wound) but I was in my early teens at the time so wasn’t exactly an example of peak physical performance myself.

    • RBG@discuss.tchncs.de
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      4 months ago

      Alright, story time. How did it come to that? Just the typical youngster “wanted to check if I can?” vibe?

      • gnu@lemmy.zip
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        4 months ago

        It was really just a matter of how to get a pelican to cooperate rather than it being aggressive or anything - they aren’t intelligent enough to figure out you aren’t going to eat them so will resist attempts be caught.

        Dad and my sister were coming back from town one night and saw this pelican by the side of the road moving really awkwardly, so they pulled over to check it out and found it had a punctured lung (and a somewhat wonky beak, but that had healed from a previous injury). Best guess is someone wasn’t as good with a shotgun as they thought they were - being charitable there is a chance someone figured it would struggle with the beak, either that or they were an arsehole.

        Anyway the pelican wasn’t up to anything much so they took it home, made up a comfy spot in a cardboard box, gave it some old painkillers, and expected to just give it an easier end than being eaten by whatever came across it that night. Next morning however when the box was opened the pelican was alive and kicking (literally) so we pinned it down and put it in part of the chook pen to recover. After a fortnight or so of hanging around eating bits of fish and scaring the daylights out of the chooks every time they saw it the pelican had healed up enough to be properly active again so we wrestled it down once more (took noticeably more effort this time) and bundled it into the car to release down at the dam.

      • Ridgetop18@lemmy.blahaj.zone
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        4 months ago

        Even wounded, I’m willing to believe the pelican just wanted to see if it could.

        They love to size things up to see if they’ll fit in their mouth lol.

  • RogueBanana@lemmy.zip
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    4 months ago

    Sometimes it’s really refreshing to read shit like this and take a break from all the doom posts. Thanks.

          • prettybunnys@sh.itjust.works
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            4 months ago

            Pelicans are naturally offended by bananas, a printout might work but a pocket banana is a solid distraction technique so you can get it pinned.

            • Ellia Plissken@lemm.eeOP
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              4 months ago

              they couldn’t be naturally offended by bananas, as what we recognize as a banana is completely man-made. they must be unnaturally offended by it, or we bred the banana in such a way that it looks exactly like something that used to be offended by

              probably pelican dildos.

              • prettybunnys@sh.itjust.works
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                4 months ago

                They’re offended by their existence as an abomination on the natural order of things, pelicans are extremely strict in their interpretation of scientific ethics and their adherence to it.

  • xmunk@sh.itjust.works
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    4 months ago

    My knowledge of cartoon physics tells me that birds are essentially immune to any damage. If you punch them in the beak it will just spin around until they, using their opposable thumbs, adjust it back into place. If you punch them in the neck you’ll just leave a temporary fist shaped aberration in their spinal cord which will quickly snap back into place. Aiming for their feet or body is futile since they’ll just instantly dodge your attack by flexing their mass dramatically out of the way and instantly counter with significant emotional damage.

    It is a fight you can’t win good Sir or Madame.

  • Ersatz86@lemmy.world
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    4 months ago

    Haven’t seen it mentioned here, so a word to the wise: their beaks are somewhere sharp-edged, and if we’re to grasp the beak and your hand were to slide lengthwise (towards or away from the tip), you could sustain a nasty cut.

    Source: adolescent me harassing pelicans that were a lil too inquisitive about my days’ fishing catch on a dock somewhere near Cedar Key, FL.

  • chillinit@lemmynsfw.com
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    4 months ago

    It’s basically the rules of a knife fight: The primary goal is to control the weapon, in this case the talons. Both of you are definitely going to get fucked up if you try.

    The birds on the boardwalk for food. The most aggressive thing it’s likely to do is to steal your food.