When I accidentally spilled some (unheated) chicken broth on my dog the other day, I hoped it might teach her a lesson about being in the kitchen when I’m preparing food. It did not.

There’s so much expectation and trust put upon terrestrial pets. The only pet that I haven’t asked something to the effect of “why would you do that?” or “what did you expect to happen?” was a goldfish. RIP Goldie. Your only mistake was naïveté to cannibalism.